LoveWithAMission.com - September 2007

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Saturday, September 1st
For some reason tonight I was reminded of our 'Openness and brokenness' time (about the father-heart of God) we had in Hawaii. We were asked to share with God, out loud (only if we wanted to of course), in front of the class, about any hurts we might have had in the past that were related to other people, for instance a negligent father or hurtful class mates, and speak out forgiveness. I used to be pretty lonely in school, and now and then some people would make fun of me or just be plain nasty. So I forgave all of them, then our speaker had a picture for me. He said he saw me sitting cross-legged on the floor, alone. Then God reached out for me and picked me up, and He said "when you walked alone, I was there with you, I watched over you." Then He brushed off all of my hurt and feelings of unworthiness. (That might have been the first time in my life that I really sobbed...)
It's just like that poem by Margaret Fishback Powers...

I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I needed You most, You leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
it was then that I carried you.”

Monday, September 3rd
After many experimentations, adjustments, and much fiddling, I've finaly arrived at a place of contentment. (In plain English that means that I actually like looking at my website-layout again.) I don't know why, but for some strange, mystical reason I have to change the way this site looks every now and again. It's like that in real life sometimes, too. I believe I've just about exhausted all of the possible furniture-arrangments in my room. There was a time in my life when my hair had to change color, texture or length at least once a month. There are, thank goodness, some things though that I don't need to change all the time, just re-do, clean, or renew regularly. For example I (should) dust my room every now and then, I wash my hair every couple of days, I scout through my room and get rid of accumulated garbage at least once or twice a year, etc. And just yesterday I re-discovered another thing that should be "renewed" often.
"I have given my life to God" (says the girl who has to do everything absolutely her own way...) It's easy to say that you've given your life to God, but letting go of controlling your life isn't always easy...
I want to live my life for God. I want to let Him be in control of my life. But one of the things I find hardest to let go of control of is the choice of the man I'm going to marry someday. I find it hard to trust God that He knows even better than I do what kind of man would be right for me. (Only if there's a man for me of course...) But God said...

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

I believe that God has an amazing, wonderful, exciting plan for my life. Now maybe they include things like going to Russia, working with kids, getting married, learning Salsa, and maybe not. Maybe His plans include things that I could never imagine or even dream of. But I have to trust Him. If I keep trying to hold on to certain parts of my life, trying to manipulate and control things, then God doesn't have a free hand, and those promises of "plans for good and not for disaster" might not even have a chance... I guess it all comes down to this one question: "Do I trust God?"

Wednesday, September 5th
"Accountable" - what a nasty little word... Ahem, anyway... I'm not very good at following through with things. I love making plans, saying "I'll do this and this tomorrow, and next year I'll do this, etc.", but actually doing all those things is a different matter... I've made a lot of commitments here, on this website, too, that I haven't been very commited to so far. I still want to write (and play/sing) worship music, I still want to read/study the Bible more, I still want to share the gospel with the people at work, etc. But I've discovered something else...

As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a village where a woman named Martha welcomed them into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord's feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was worrying over the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, "Lord, doesn't it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me." But the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are so upset over all these details! There is really just one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it - and I won't take it away from her."
Luke 10:38-42

Yes, what we do is very important. But spending time with God is, I believe, most important. I've been feeling guilty because I felt like I'd let God down. So I asked Him to show me how that I could please Him. Then I thought, if I had a child, I think what would please me most would be if he or she would simply want to spend time with me. Of course I'd like a child that's obedient, but mostly I'd just want him or her to love me, and I think it's the same with God. (And besides, it's a lot easier to be obedient to someone you love, than to someone you don't know...)

Saturday, September 8th
Did you know that it's possible to actually think too much about something? Last night I couldn't make up my mind mind about what to write here, stupidly while lying on my bed, until I suddenly found myself fast asleep...
Sometimes something similar can also happen to you when you're facing big decisions, for instance about the future. "Am I going to be a turnip taster or an orange peeler?" Until you find that you passed the moment for making decisions and are either stuck doing one thing, or not able to do either... The only solution I know is prayer. Then, if you still find yourself getting stuck with doing one thing, you can assume that's what God wants. (Or you can pray really, really hard for a miracle to get you out of it.)
Anyway, yesterday I had another one of those times of self-discipline, letting go of a lot of accumulated, cherished treasures - my stuffed animals. I decided on a whim to get rid of (most of) them, and a bunch of other things, too, because I figured that if I wanted to be taken seriously as an adult, then it wouldn't help to have a dozen stuffed animals using up most of the room on my bed. It wasn't all that easy though, I almost cried more than once, and I actually took back one very big teddy bear that I had planned to give away... Maybe that's the hardest part of growing up - letting go. And I think that doesn't just mean teddy bears, that can also be letting go of a certain life-style. Growing up means taking responsibility for what you do, how you act and what you say. It means making your own choices. It means becoming independent. Thankfully, as Christians we have an easier time, because we have a big Daddy who "will neither fail you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:8) He's always there for you and is always willing to help you make the right choices.

Tuesday, September 11th
You know the saying "history repeats itself"? Well, I'm ashamed of it, but the same thing that happened Friday night happened last night, which is why I'm writing a day late... (I'm starting to feel like Garfield: eat...sleep...eat...sleep...sleep some more...eat...take a nap...eat...sleep...) Oh well.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm a huge John Wayne fan(atic)? And not just because he's (really, really) nice to look at... With only a few exceptions, he always plays the "good guy". Even when he's playing the "bad guy" he's being a "good guy". ("Bad guy," as in a Robin-Hood-type of guy.) What makes him such a hero is that he never backs down from anything (or anyone), he always helps the ones who can't help themselves (children, Indians, women, the poor, etc.), and he's so tall and good-lookin' and strong and brave... *sigh* Ahem, what I meant to say is that what makes him so dreamy, umm, I mean, admirable, is his courage. He never backs down from doing what he knows is right. He also knows what his strengths are. He said so himself in one of his earlier movies, that all he could do was ride horses and shoot. (He certainly couldn't sing...)
I think it doesn't matter where we're at, we can all be brave like he was in his movies. As Ambrose Redmoon said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." Whether that means saying "no" to your boss for a change, or painting the walls in your room pink, or sharing the gospel with your collegues, or asking the girl of your dreams to marry you, ...or fighting off the bad guys who are trying to steal your ranch, it doesn't matter.

So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord!
Psalm 31:24

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13

And now, dear children, remain in fellowship with Christ so that when he returns, you will be full of courage and not shrink back from him in shame.
1 John 2:27-29

Wednesday, September 12th
Do you ever just get frustrated with life? Yesterday I was going to write something about 9/11, and...I just couldn't... What I would have written would have been cynical, bitter, and very, very angry. It wouldn't have been anything whatsoever helpful to anyone. I could have written something about the importance of forgiveness, but how can I tell others to forgive if I haven't quite mastered the art myself? I am still very angry at each and every single person who has ever tormented me by criticizing the war in Iraq, and President Bush, and the USA in general (which makes it rather unfortunate that I live in Europe...) I know that forgiveness is very important and absolutely necessary, but why, oh why is it sometimes so much harder to forgive someone who's hurt or insulted someone else rather than yourself? I am half American and half Swiss. When I'm in Switzerland and hear someone ranting about the States, I want to bite their head off. When I'm in the US and someone's complaining about Europe, I want to yell at them and tell them to "shut the **** up." (Not that I ever actually do that of course...)
I don't even know where I'm going with this... I know that I need to forgive and let go of all this hate and anger that I feel, but I don't know how. It's not like something that someone just did or said, just to me, once, a long time ago; this is something that is happening right now, again and again. It's not exactly the same thing, but just imagine that someone would keep saying bad things about your mother. Not just one little insult, but every single day, questioning her integrity, and making her sound like the worst person in the world. Your mother's not perfect, no one is. Maybe these awful things they're saying actually have a little grain of truth in them. But wouldn't it hurt you to have someone you loved and cared about degraded in such a way? That's what it feels like to me when I hear Europeans bashing the Americans, or visa versa.
Maybe it's not something I can just forgive once and then forget about. Maybe I'll have to forgive again and again and again... And I can't, I absolutely can't forgive on my own strength. Only God can help me there...

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Matthew 6:14-15

You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Colossians 3:13

Change - Sunday, September 16th
Ok, maybe you've noticed that I haven't been very good at updating this site daily, and I've finaly decided to only update it once a week from now on, (though maybe I'll write inbetween sometimes too, if God lays something on my heart to share.) I haven't been very creative lately, and I just don't like having to write something when there's really nothing that I feel I need to share. (And I'll also be starting school soon, and I'm not quite sure how much free time I'll have then...)
I'll try to update the page every weekend if possible.

Now, what I actually wanted to write about today... I've made another decision. I don't want to be a "forgetter"... I can be rather forgetful at times. I forget things like setting my alarm clock, brushing my teeth, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, vacuuming the carpets, dusting the shelves, cleaning out my pet's cage, doing my homework, etc., etc... (I never forget certain other things though, like taking the pizza out of the oven, or going to a wedding, or eating dessert... My dad has a similar problem that my mother calls "selective hearing"...)
Anyway, I've chosen to not be a forgetter any longer. And while I do want to try not to forget to do the dishes (for which I'm sure my mother'll be very thankful), I want to focus more on more important things...

"But that is the time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the LORD your God and disobey his commands, regulations, and laws."
Deuteronomy 8:11

I don't want to forget to read my Bible, do intercession, share the gospel, pray for my neighbors, or to spend time with God by doing thanksgiving, praise, and worship. I don't want to forget that I need to walk in an attitude of forgiveness and grace, or that I am a sinner in need of forgiveness myself... I also don't want to forget that it's dangerous and foolish to play with temptation. I don't want to forget that everyone who doesn't believe in God will go to hell, and that it's my duty as well as my privilege to share the good news of Jesus with everyone. I also don't want to forget that I am God's child and that my behavior should show it. And I don't want to forget that I should treat others like I want to be treated, with compassion, kindness, patience, and love.
Most of all I want to remember that God loves me, and will always love me, no matter what. I also want to remember that I love Him, no matter what, and that my life only has meaning if I live for Him, and Him alone.

Sunday, September 23rd
I've been reading another book: Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. (She has a beautiful website, too: authenticgirl.com) This book is...absolutely wonderful. I think every young woman should read it. It's about (what else could it possibly be about if I like it so much??) romance... I believe that this desire that all women seem to have is a God-given gift. Sadly, up until now, I've been looking for the fulfillment of this desire in the wrong places...
Ok, think of the latest movie-version of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. (I'm sure just about every female on this planet must have seen that...) Almost the last scene. It's early, just before sunrise. She can't stand lying in bed, doing nothing, any longer. She wraps her shawl around her arms, quietly leaves the house, and starts walking towards the fields. She doesn't know exactly why. It's almost as if something, or someone, we're calling here there. She walks and walks, until, suddenly, she sees him from a distance. He's determinedly walking straight towards her. She stands still, watching, waiting, hoping. Finally he's standing right in front of her. He looks deeply into her eyes, timidly, almost fearfully, as if he were afraid of what he might see, but still hopefully. Her eyes tell him all he needs to know. He smiles gently, deep contentment filling his eyes, and something else. Tender love. He gently reaches out to touch her cheek. The sun slowly starts to rise, giving everything a sweet, golden hue.
Alright, some of that might have just come out of my imagination, but you get the general idea. Now, believe it or not, this wondersome, gooey love-stuff is exactly what I dream of... I don't dream about having a string of boyfriends, I don't dream of sleeping with one guy after the next, I don't even dream about making out or of going as far possibly, physically, without actually doing "it." No, I dream about a beautiful, gentle, and slow romance... A friend of mine (the same one who loaned me this book) recently told me about something she dreamed of. She dreams of not kissing her future husband until the day of her wedding (just after the "I do"s...) Yes girls, that would mean no smooching until you're married. At first I wasn't quite sure what to think about it. I thought it was a beautiful idea, but I wasn't quite sure I'd actually be able to go through with something like that. But, the more I think about it, the more beautiful I think the idea is... Just imagine! Keeping yourself completely pure until your wedding day! No compromises! Oh, how wonderful that would be... If you're thinking "well, it's too late for that now...for me anyway..." don't lose hope. It's never too late to change.
Now, what I'm actually trying to get at is this. I believe there is only one man, and one man alone, who can truly fulfill this deep longing of mine. And I'm not talking about about my future husband, whoever he may turn out to be. I'm talking about the man who has already completely captivated my heart. It is none other than the God of all creation Himself. And I know I've said this before. I know I've said and promised a whole bunch of stuff, most of which I couldn't really stick to or actually live by myself. No more promises.
But oh, I can't even begin to describe... I've learned, from the book I mentioned earlier, that in order to truly let God become my Prince, my heart must become our sanctuary. Leslie gives a rather graphic picture of what that means... Imagine your wedding night. The groom sweeps you off your feet and carries you over the threshold into your home....and trips over a pile of garbage. The whole place is piled full of garbage bags. And there are some people there, too... Several very good-looking young men are leering at you from across the room. You recognize them as ex-boyfriends...
Wouldn't that be awful?? Well, that's basically what happens when you don't clean out your heart... All the garbage are all the bad things that have piled up during the years. The compromises, bad habits, the self-centeredness, the selfishness, the laziness, the addictions. And those good-looking hunks? Those are your "other lovers"... Can you imagine commiting your life to someone, but at the same time having other lovers, too? That's just...wrong... But sometimes we have other lovers, without even being completely aware of it. That can be another person, an unhealthy desire for romance, making your looks your 1st priority, caring only about your career, etc.
I learned that if I truly wanted to have an intimate relationship with God, then I'd have to clean out all the garbage, and kick out all the other lovers... That means letting go of everything... (And this isn't just a one-time thing...garbage has an annoying tendency to creep back in...) For me that meant, among other things, to let God write my love-story. The other love-story I mean...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not hurt you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all evil and preserves your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.
Psalm 121:5-8

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