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Monday, June 4th
I'm back home in my beautiful Switzerland! :-) Wow, the last one and a half weeks went by really fast. On Thursday the 24th of May we left Battambong, Cambodia, for Bangkok, Thailand. Saying goodbye was pretty sad, and very tearful, at least on the Khmer's side... Several orphans and students from the Youth Center came to see us off, and of course the whole of the pastor's family, whose house we'd been staying in. (And he has a very big family...) I'm almost ashamed to say that I didn't cry and hardly felt sad at all... It had been a good time there, we'd built a lot of good relationships, had a lot of fun with the Khmer people there, but I was just too happy to be going to a more western country and being one step closer to going home, so I couldn't really be sad. The people there are really amazing though - so kind, so sweet, so generous. I learned a lot from them, especially on loving others and showing affection. I think I got more hugs in our two months there (from children and women, us girls weren't supposed to touch men...) than I would get in a whole year at home.

After we said our goodbye's, we started our last (very bumpy) journey in Cambodia. When we got to the border we had one more goodbye to say - to our translator, Seang. He was the Khmer person we probably got the closest to during our entire stay in Cambodia. He was very western-ish, possibly the only Cambodian who (almost) always understood our sense of humor (sarcasm and subtle jokes don't translate very well), and he was the best translator we could ever have hoped for. (Not that we could actually understand what he was saying when he was translating, but he was an awesome friend which made him the best translator of all times. :-))

Then came the "fun" part, crossing the border. As soon as we got out of the car we were surrounded by young men who wanted to carry our luggage. They were quite literaly arguing and almost fighting to get our suitcases and backpacks onto their carts. How nice, eh? Not really, they wanted money in exchange for their "kindness". And when we told them we only wanted one cart for all of our luggage (and we had a LOT...), that's when the arguing got really bad. Eventually though we got all of our stuff on ONE cart and went to the counter to have our passports stamped in order to cross the border. Then we went through the passport control where we had to fill out a form first, then stand in line for quite a while, then wait outside for those who'd had to wait in line a lil longer. We didn't really have to wait that long, but I was feeling a little nauseous, so it felt like we were waiting for hours and hours... John and Rachel were still sick, too, and worse than I was, so for them it probably felt like days... (And having little children beg non-stop the whole time was a lil annoying, too... Especially when they figured out that I probably wasn't going to give them anything, so they started "playing" with me, pulling the hair on my arms, yanking my bracelet, probably hoping it would come off, pulling on my backpack... Sorry, I love kids, but children shouldn't have to live that way. They should be provided for, they should have time to play and have fun, they should have an education, they should be taught manners; they shouldn't be forced to work for other people just because they are better at getting sympathy from gullible foreigners...) Anyway, when we were all out we walked to the place where the taxi's and vans were waiting (while girls with umbrellas offered to protect our skin from the sun - for a price), and then we had another hassle trying to find a van driver who wouldn't rip us off too much by asking for way more than the drive to Bangkok was worth (which was a lil difficult because we had to calculate how much that they were asking for was worth in dollars), and then when we finally got all our luggage and ourselves stowed in the van, we had a monch and several other people try to get onto the van with us. (Since we're white, we're obviously rich and gullible and easily guilted into doing whatever people want us to. Thankfully we didn't take anyone with us - the van was already full with just us and our luggage, though not for Asian standards... They would probably pack at least twice as many people into a van like that...)

Then we were on our way to Bangkok. (The van was really nice by the way - it even had a TV screen and a DVD player! ...so naturaly we had to watch a movie. March Of The Penguins is a really great movie in case you haven't seen it yet. :-)) One thing we noticed (and appreciated a lot) was that we were driving on a highway! We hadn't seen any roads with more than one lane on each side since we left Taiwan... And until you've been to a country like Cambodia you can't really appreciate a road without any bumps at all... It's the little things in life. :-) When we got to our hotel... - wow! It's one of the nicest hotels I've ever stayed in. It's owned by a christian, and on the side of the hotel is says [I think] "Jesus loves you"! And the writing is really big and you can read it from the highway! You want to know which feature the hotel offered that I enjoyed the most? The bathtub!! If you've used a shower at least once a day for two months it becomes considerably un-special, especially if you're me who loves bubble-baths and you haven't had a bath in almost five months! Ahem, anyway, we had a nice time in Bangkok. Having McDonald's for the first time in two months was very special. :-) (There are NO McDonald's restaurants anywhere in Cambodia! Isn't that scary?) I never really got to see the city though (the hotel was a little bit outside the city), except once when we went to an Italian restaurant (I ♥ italian food! That was absolutely awesome...), but sadly not all of our team got to enjoy the good food... We took two taxis to go to the restaurant. The taxi I was in found it alright, though it was so far away that we were almost sure we weren't going to make it, but God was merciful and let our taxi driver find it. The people in the other taxi weren't quite so lucky. They got lost and drove around for three hours before giving up and going back to the hotel... We were supposed to have our team-debriefing at the restaurant, so because that hadn't been possible we *sigh* had to go to Pizza Hut the next day to catch up on that... ;-) One person missed it though: John. What me, Rachel and John had gotten about a week before we left Cambodia was Dengue Fever. It's a disease spread by infected mosquitos. The sickness lasts about a week, and since I'd gotten it about a day before Rachel or John I was doing pretty well by then, but both Rachel and John still had really high fever sometimes (it went up and down a lot), so John decided to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. Most people don't get very bad symptoms from Dengue Fever, but apparently on the last day you can get very bad ones like throwing up blood, so the doctor told them they shouldn't fly for a few more days, which means they also didn't fly back to Kona, Hawaii with us but stayed in Bangkok until Wednesday morning. We've all recovered now though - thank you for your prayers!

The rest of us left for the airport on Sunday morning, where we flew first to Taiwan, then to Honolulu and from there to Kona. Because we were flying towards the east we got there the same morning which was kinda funny. Then we got picked up by the UofN (University of the Nations) vans, and with them came Jamie Strickland, our school leader, to welcome us back, which was nice. :-) They drove us to the King Kamehameha Hotel (another gorgeous hotel!) They house the DTSers returning from outreach in hotels because just after we leave for outreach the new DTS starts, which means there are practically always students at the YWAM base, so they don't have room for lots more people. Being back in Kona was wonderful, but a little weird, too. It had been our home for two and a half months, and coming back and seeing tons of new people living where we had lived and having school in our old classrooms was...odd. I guess it's kinda like when you move and you go back to where you used to live, and you see how it's become someone elses home... It was still really nice though, especially seeing everyone from the other outreach teams. Oh yeah, I forgot to write that the other three outreach teams from our school (they went to India, Palestine/Israel and Egypt) came and stayed at the same hotel in Bangkok! So we'd basically already had a reunion, but we had a LOT to catch up on, so that last week in Kona was really precious. :-) Also getting to see some of the people from the other schools (Impact Pacific DTS and IT/Global Communications DTS) was great, and also seeing the people we knew who were still on campus.

That last week in Kona was our debriefing time where we got to evaluate our time in our outreach location, and they also gave us advice on how we should (and how we shouldn't) behave when we got back home. A lot of missionaries, even ones who've only gone away for a short time, have a really hard time when the get back home. They leave with such a zeal, such a passion for God and for missions, that when they get back to their families and their churches, they are disappointed because they are no longer surrounded by people who share their zeal and passion, and they can even become arrogant and proud sometimes because they think they know how to do it better. As a result, often they feel lonely and rejected. The thing that's really sad about this is that what I just wrote isn't exagerated at all. We even got a book about this called "Re-entry," and some of the "horror stories" (the title of one of the chapters) show how bad it can sometimes be... So, we got a lot of advice on that, as well as what kind of things we should do so we don't lose that zeal and that passion that we have for God and for missions. Things like finding people who'll keep us accountable, getting involved in our church, becoming a member of our church and not standing on the side-lines observing what's going on (I've been in the same church my whole life and I'm not a member yet...oops...), not becoming a loaner but hooking up with old friends again or making new friends, not cutting back on spending time with God or spending time in His word or doing worship, continuing to share the gospel with family-members, friends, people at work, or whoever God lays on your heart. Another thing that's important is realizing what things are different from our outreach nation/Kona and our homes so that we don't have another "culture shock" when we arrive. For example in Cambodia, people are a lot quicker in making friends than in Switzerland, and they love people with white skin (and cover up their own skin to stay out of the sun and, if they can afford it, use make-up and cosmetics that'll make them whiter,) whereas in western countries people go to tanning booths and lay out in the sun, trying to get brown, so I'm coming from a place where I had people staring at me all the time to a place where I'm nothing special (which isn't bad at all! It's just different and might take some getting used to. I'm really relieved about that last part actually, it's not the most comfortable feeling in the world having people stare at you all the time...)

One last thing that's also really important is being humble and using wisdom. For instance at my church. If I would go there with a critical attitude, turning my nose up at everything I see that I don't agree with or think could be done better, that would be awful. Being on the mission field and being in church is very different, and even if I do see things that could use improvement, it's not nevessarily my place to point it out, and it's definitely not my place to critisize. What is my job is engage myself (though only if my help is welcome - I can't shove my "help" into people's faces), to serve my church wherever it's needed. All this doesn't mean ignoring lukewarm-ness! Being lukewarm isn't acceptable in God's eyes, and anyone who doesn't know this should be made aware of this, but it should be said in love and in humility (I'm not perfect either!), not in arrogance. And I think that's important for everyone, not just returning missionaries...

So, now I'm back, and it feels good. :-) I learned a whole lot during the last five months, and I think I've changed a lot, too, though I'm not sure if anyone'll be able to tell. Most of the changes happened deep within my heart. The most precious thing is that I've had a deeper realization of who God is and what He's like. I still have a lot to learn (it would be impossible to ever know everything about God) and I want to continue learning. The more you know God, the more you love Him... Another thing that happened is that I've become less shy and less afraid of standing in front of people. Not that it's completely gone though...but five months ago I would never have volunteered to lead a Bible study or share in front of people, and I definitely would never, ever have wanted to preach! ...but by the end of outreach I had done all of those things, and I'd even wanted to do them. That took a major change of heart, and it was all done by God - I couldn't have changed by myself. Another thing that's changed is my self-esteem. Being in a country where you're surrounded by people who absolutely adore white skin...it would be almost impossible to leave without a considerably higher sense of self-worth. And also realizing how God feels about me... - if you've never had a revelation on that you should study your Bible. Even if you only understand a tiny bit of how wide and long and high and deep God's love is, it'll change the way you see yourself big time. And if it really sinks in it'll also change the way you act and behave. God's love isn't something that should be treated lightly or taken for granted, but it should be returned to the greatest extent of our abilities - with all of our mind, heart, sould and strength.

I think these last five months have been the most precious time of my life. It wasn't always comfortable or nice or enjoyable, I definitely had times when I just wanted to leave, but I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the whole world. I got to know God more (and continuing in getting to know God more and more is now the main goal of my life), I've made some wonderful, hopefully life-long friends, and I've received so much healing and so much change of heart. I am so thankful to my parents who supported me so much in this, both with their encouragments and prayers, as well as financially, and a huge 'thank you' also to all the people who gave me money and who supported me with their prayers. And most of all I'm so thankful to God who placed me in a position where it was even possible for me to do this school. Thank you so much to all of you!

If you're wondering whether I have plans for the future: yes, I certainly do. :-) Maybe you remember how I once mentioned something about Russia and working with unwanted children. Well, I still have that on my heart, but I want to be a little more prepared before I start anything like that. So, God willing, for the next three years I'll be studying at the PH Bern (Pädagogische Hochschule) working towards a degree in teaching pre-primary and primary education. (That means kindergarden and first to sixth grade, or maybe just kindergarden and first and second grade, I'm not 100% sure...) Then I would like to go somewhere where I can work in an orphanage, maybe for half a year. I'm not quite sure where though, maybe in Texas. Then I really, really want to do an SBS (School of Biblical Studies) in Taiwan. It's another school from YWAM where you study the Bible for nine months. We spent our last two weeks of lecture phase in Taiwan where we got to know the SBS staff there, and we also got to ask questions about how it would work and the cost and about the school itself, and oh! I really would love to do that. And then after that, hopefully, I would be headed for Russia... I don't want my plans to be my plans though, I want to do whatever God wants me to, so if God would ever place something else on my heart or tell me to do something different or differently, I would change my plans (that aren't my plans in the first place...) I do think that this is what God wants me to do, so most likely this is what you'll find me doing in the next few years. After that, who knows (other than God, :-)) but I'm sure it'll be exciting.

Change - Thursday, June 14th
It's taken me a while to write again and I'm sorry. I had actually planned to start writing again every day, but for some reason I've been having trouble doing all the things I should do... Ever have those thoughts? "I'm too tired..." "It can wait - I'll do it later..." "I'll do it tomorrow. Or the day after..." "I don't feel like it..." I've been having this "syndrome" for the last one and a half weeks or so, ever since I got back home. Why? I don't know... But I've had it everywhere: responding to e-mails/SMSes, cleaning my room up, reading the Bible, spending time with God, ...SPENDING TIME WITH GOD!! That equals backsliding and it's one of the things I'm most afraid of... Sadly it's not something that just "happens," it's something we're responsible for ourselves, which is what makes it so scary...and so bad...

For it is impossible to restore to repentance those who were once enlightened - those who have experienced the good things of heaven and shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the power of the age to come - and who then turn away from God. It is impossible to bring such people to repentance again because they are nailing the Son of God to the cross again by rejecting him, holding him up to public shame.
Hebrews 6:4-6

"...because they are nailing the Son of God to the cross again by rejecting him." Isn't that terrible?? And I believe this is what we're doing when we backslide, when God stops being our first priority, when watching TV suddenly becomes more important, when praying lasts a whole 2 minutes and 30 seconds (every other day), when we believe that God's miracles of healing are only a thing of the past that couldn't possibly help our headache, when we stop paying attention in church, when worship is just singing, when we read three chapters in the Bible every two weeks, when "having a relationship with God" becomes a nice thing that preachers say, when "God" becomes nothing more than a figure in a book, ... It doesn't even have to get this bad, it starts as soon as God isn't our Nr. 1 anymore. I found a list of ways to recognize backsliding on this website:
http://www.peacemakers.net/unity/rorbacksliding.htm

I only skimmed through it at first, but that was enough to shock me to my core... I don't want to backslide, ever! These last five months have been the most precious time of my life where I got to know God in a much deeper way, and I don't want to lose that. I shortened the list a little and put it here. It's a lil hard to read, the vocabulary isn't so easy in some parts, but it's so good - please read it!

EVIDENCES OF A BACKSLIDDEN CONDITION

1. Prayer ceases to be a vital part of a professing Christian's life.

2. Almost all backsliders demonstrate a sense of satisfaction with the truth already in their possession. Backsliders are rarely diligent in their study of the Bible.

3. If biblical truth does not enter the heart and transform the life, its acquisition is without eternal merit. The Bible was designed by God not merely to inform us, but to transform us.

4. In the early days of a person's new walk with Christ, the mind continually turns toward spiritual matters. When backsliding commences, the mind turns less and less toward heaven, God, eternity, and holiness.

5. The services of the church lose their delights. "What happened to the preacher?" they wonder. "How did he lose his fire? Why do the once stirring hymns now seem to drag?" Even the Scriptures lose their cutting edge.

6. The person on fire for Jesus Christ delights in every opportunity to talk about Him. The backslider is apt to go so far as to proclaim vehemently, "There are two things I never discuss-religion and politics!" Mark this, if the public discussion of deeply important spiritual matters is an embarrassment to you, there can be no question concerning your backslidden condition.

7. Sports, recreation, and entertainment are a large and necessary part of your lifestyle. Many a preacher is more certain to have the Sunday morning service over by noon sharp than he is to say anything worthwhile. He would no sooner incur the wrath of his recreation-minded congregation by detaining them from Sunday afternoon picnics and games than he would deprive himself of his own Saturday evening entertainment.

Christians are not saved to play but to serve. If sporting events are as important to you as spiritual progress, you are backslidden. If you must choose between church and recreation and recreation wins, you are backslidden.

8. Sins of the body and of the mind can be indulged in without an uproar in your conscience.

9. Aspirations for Christlike holiness cease to be dominant in your life and thinking. For the backslidden, holiness seems both unattainable and unnecessary.

10. The acquisition of money and goods become a major part of your thinking.

11. You can mouth religious songs and words without heart. Contemplate the often repeated prayer, "Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven," lifted Sunday after Sunday by men and women who steadfastly refuse to do the will of God themselves and are in no position to assist its accomplishment in the lives of others.

12. You can hear the Lord's name taken in vain, spiritual concerns mocked, and eternal issues flippantly treated, and not be moved to indignation and action. To offend the swearer by gently asking him to refrain from irreverent speech is unthinkable to the long-established backslider and to leave the room because the tone of the conversation is degrading would never occur to him.

13. You can watch degrading movies and television and read morally debilitating literature.

14. Every individual with a heart in tune with God is deeply concerned about the unity of the Church. If no doctrinal difference is available over which to divide the "One Body," the backslider is content to divide it over personalities. Personal concerns are always of greater importance to him than overwhelming biblical truth.

15. The slightest excuse seems sufficient to keep you from spiritual duty and opportunity. The backslider becomes a master excuse-maker.

16. The growing Christian, characterized by spiritual yearnings and restlessness, wants more and more of God's grace and fullness. However, this is not true for the backslider who is content to sit back and enjoy what he has already experienced. He has found all he wants. He is comfortable where he is.

17. You pardon your own sin and sloth by saying the Lord understands. Christians are not called to take their ease. To continue in sin and to tolerate sloth on the pretext of appreciating the grace of God are presumptions of the worst sort.

18. The healthy Christian is characterized by a spirit of praise. Even those without musical talents will make "a joyful noise unto the Lord" when their souls are in health. The spirit of praise and thankfulness is always the spirit of the growing believer. But let a little backsliding begin and praise turns to murmuring. Thousands of special mercies from the hand of God can be forgotten in the face of one small affliction.

19. You can adjust happily to the lifestyle of the world. Bills are carelessly or deliberately paid late or left unpaid. Appointments are not kept. Promises, even to pray for a need, are not remembered. Many commitments are never honored.

20. Injustice and human misery exist around you and you do little or nothing to relieve the suffering. Whenever you are willing to turn a need into an intellectual discussion, you have been marked by the backsliders's pen.

21. Your own church has fallen into spiritual declension and the Word of God is no longer preached there with power and yet you are still content. It is not fair to blame the pastor. If you were always fervent in spirit, instant in season and out of season, ready in prayer, and quick to lift and encourage in all that is right and holy, would your church be where it is now? Perhaps you cannot change the situation in your church, but you can certainly shape the condition of your own soul.

22. The spiritual condition of the world declines all around you and you cannot perceive it. When you cannot see signs of declension around you and you cannot hear the cries of the perishing multitudes, you need to look to your own spiritual welfare.

23. You are willing to cheat your employer. If the hours of employment are 8:00 to 4:30, these are designated to be the hours of labor. Mere presence on the premises during these hours is hardly sufficient. A little theft of time, a little theft of goods, 'What's so unusual about that?" the backslider inquires.

24. Every true Christian is marked by spiritual humility. Who are the poor in spirit but those who know how far they still have to go, those who, having seen God in His infinite majesty and holiness, realize how truly unlike God they are. To His own word on the poor in spirit must be tied Jesus' word to those that mourn. They too are blessed or happy "for they shall be comforted'' (Matthew 5:4). Those who mourn are those who, having seen God as He is, then see themselves as they are. What can the man who compares himself with God do but mourn? Somehow the backslider fails to perceive things this way, and that failure is overwhelming evidence of his tragic condition.

25. If your prayerlessness does not cause the tears to flow, if your own personal sin does not provoke you to tears, if the lostness of your own children, your parents, your sisters, your husband, your wife, your brothers, your neighbors, your friends, your schoolmates and your companions on the job cannot unleash the tears, is it not because you no longer really care for the very things that stir most deeply the heart of God? When the things that grieve the Saviour have no power to grieve you, do you not have clear evidence that you are in a backslidden condition?

If any of these aspects of backsliding apply to you, ask these questions: How did I get into such a backslidden condition? Did it happen suddenly? Is it the result of one single moment of carelessness? Was it caused by a solitary sin? No, this would be highly unlikely. Usually backsliding happens a little bit at a time. Sin by sin, error by error, selfishness by selfishness, the backsliding continues until you are virtually empty of Christ and full of sin and self.

God's word to the backslider is plain: "Return, ye backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings" (Jeremiah 3:22). "Return unto the Lord thy God; for thou hast fallen by thine iniquity" (Hosea 14:1). After lamenting the tragic backsliding of the Ephesians Christians in losing their first love, Jesus commanded, "Remember therefore from whence thou are fallen, and repent, and do the first works, or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent" (Revelation 2:5).

Yes, I know this was rather long and hard to read, but if you read through the whole thing, congratulations! If you recognized yourself in any of these things (I certainly did...), it's not too late! There's hope! God longs for more, just as much (and even a whole lot more!) as you do in the depth of your heart. And guess what: Christianity is not boring! The Bible isn't boring (if you think it is you've never really read it), God most certainly isn't boring (can you imagine calling the creator of giraffes, sea urchins and playful kittens boring?? Ha ha!), so the only thing left is...us. We're the ones that make Christianity boring. Think about it. It's true. And we're also the ones who can make it interesting. No, that's actually not true. We just need to allow God to make our relationship with Him all that He intended it to be, and you'll never be bored again. Ever. Your whole life long. And yes, you need to change. No one other than God is perfect, which means all of us are still in need of change. What we can partially do ourselves is to be self-disciplined, and to seek after God with all our hearts. God will do the rest.

Hebrews 2:1

Adventure! - Tuesday, June 19th
I do want to get back to writing something every one or two days, starting from now!

Do you ever just have an overwhelming desire for adventure? To see the world? To just hop into your car and drive to all and any countries you can reach? To just be with God somewhere alone in the wilderness? To climb mountains, cross rivers, see strange and exotic places, to do and see things you've never done or seen before? I don't know where it comes from (not quite true...) or why it comes at certain times, but when it does come you're filled with an awful restlessness that won't find contentment until you've gone and done something or other exciting. I'm in one of those times right now. If it were just up to me, I would grab my sleepingbag, some food and some money, pack everything into my car and take off, most likely direction Italy. I would go see the coast, try out different vineyards, or maybe go to Rome, or possibly even Venice or Pisa or Florence. And at night I would just snuggle up in the back seat of the car. Then reality kicks in. Sleeping in the back of the car isn't all that comfortable. That kind of adventure would cost a fair bit of money. It's not safe for a woman to travel by herself. All the annoyingly logical things add up to the fact that I can't go, at least for the time being. Maybe someday I'll get a bigger car with a more comfortable back seat. Maybe someday I'll be more independent, have more money and not have to answer to my parents. Maybe someday I'll have a big, dangerous looking dog who will scare any and all unwelcome visitors away. Someday... Sometimes I envy my dad a bit. Every one to three years or so he pack up his landcruiser (which now has a built in bed in it) and takes off to Island, sometimes with a few friends, usually by himself. Not just for a few days, or weeks, but for at least three months.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, but I don't think these "itchy fingers" I have to go off and do something, anything exciting is just me... Isn't God the greatest Adventurer of all? Didn't He create the whole world from scratch? Wasn't He the divine Initiator of great adventures like Esther's, Moses' and Daniel's? Maybe this desire simply comes from having experienced a taste of the world, seeing lot's of different countries and experiencing exciting new things (like I did with YWAM the last five months.) Or maybe there's more to it. Maybe I experienced a little part of what God is like. Maybe I had a taste of how exciting living in God's will can be. And I want more... I don't want to settle back into my boring old life, where all I ever do is watch movies, play around on my computer, and wait for "my life to start..." I don't believe this is what God wants. The greatest Author of adventure stories filled with romance, intrigue and wonder did not create us to sit on our backsides and sink into lethargy. He longs for these things every bit as much as we do, as I do anyway, probably even more so. Alright, the adventure He's planned for me might not lead me and my little polo to the coast of Italy, but He's got a whole lot bigger and greater imagination than I do (just look at the world!), and I trust that He can come up with a lot better and more exciting adventure than I ever could. It says in Psalm 37:4: Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires. Well, if this desire is indeed God-given, then it's just up to me to "take delight in the Lord."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Romance... - Thursday, June 21th
I'm in love. Head over heals in love. He's absolutely perfect. He's so handsome it's downright scandalous. He's an awesomely strong man, not a boy, a man. He's incredibly brave and adventurous, really "wild at heart," yet at the same time very kind and gentle. And, something lots of godly men seem to lack these days: He's wonderfully romantic. And guess what: He's in love with me, too!! Let me tell you how it happened that I fell in love...again...

Yesterday I hopped into my car to go to church for a kind of meeting. I was already kind of late (bad habit called "primping...") Now, something you need to know first: Our church is in Berne (the capitol of Switzerland in case you don't know), and at the moment, or actually, now it's almost become the norm, there's construction work everywhere, with weird signs and rules all over the place that no sane person could possibly understand. That means that getting to church has become incredibly complicated. So there I was, driving towards that big mess, going one of the two only ways I know to get to church, when suddenly I felt like I was supposed to go a different way. I'm not 100% sure, but I do think it might have been heavenly guidance. (You'll see why later...much later...) I was already late, so I figured why not, maybe this other way would be faster. Well, about ten minutes later, and I suspect a few illegal turns, it was pretty clear that there was no way I would ever get to church on time. What made it especially frustrating was that the whole time I knew exactly where I was, but I had no clue how to get from where I was to church. Anyway, then I decided to just go on home. Driving over a bridge I saw the sun, slowly sinking towards the horizon, so I suddenly just decided to drive into the mountains a little bit and find a nice spot to watch the sunset. That sounds easier than it was... While Switzerland is known for having literally tons of mountains and hills, and there probably are lots of nice places where you could watch the sunset, finding them is another matter. Roads don't always go where you think they will, and finding another way to get where you want to can be quite an adventure. At one point, going over a very rocky and very muddy little path in the fields, I was afraid that I would get a flat tire. (That shows you how much I know about cars...) Eventually I got off that little road, only to find that there would have been a much easier way to get there, but at least I got my little adventure. Anyway, I kept driving, and suddenly I felt like I was supposed to turn right the next chance I got, which I did. It went downhill a little ways, then the gravel stopped and the rest of the road looked like it wasn't used very often, defiinitely not by cars. So I stopped there, not sure what to do, when I noticed that it was just the kind of place I'd been looking for. I could watch the sunset quite comfortably, it was far away enough from the road and other houses for me to have my privacy, yet not too far away for me to feel scared. Now, the reason I even wanted to go somewhere to watch the sunset was to spend some time with God. I'd watched three movies that day, and not spent more than five minutes with God, and I felt guilty.

I've been reading a great book: Captivating - Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, by John and Stasi Eldredge. I can recommend it to...everyone. It's written for women, but it would also be good for men to read in order to understand the opposite sex a little better. (There's another really good book by John Eldredge called Wild at Heart, which is for men, but also good for us women so we can understand the men in our lives better.) Did you know that one of the things women struggle with most is our beauty? I have yet to meet a girl who thinks she's really, truly beautiful. There are two words that are somehow deeply ingrained in our hearts: not enough. We think we aren't pretty enough, not smart enough, aren't doing enough, not working enough, not exercising enough, ... That's the reason make-up exists, why there are so many books and magazines on how to lose weight. We're never content with our appearance, or even with who we are. Now there are different reasons for this, every girl and woman has her own story to tell, but it's nothing new, it already started a long time ago. In Ezekiel 28:12 it says

"You were the perfection of wisdom and beauty."

It's talking about Lucifer, the "Son of the Morning," a.k.a. satan. He was once gorgeous, which apparently became his downfall... In verse 17 it says

"Your heart was filled with pride because of all your beauty. You corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor. So I threw you to the earth and exposed you to the curious gaze of kings."

It was pride that made him fall. And there's another thing: I said that most women feel insufficient about their looks, while the few that are left either have a healthy self-image, or are prideful about their looks.

Anyway, I remember one time when Loren Cunningham was speaking about injustice against women. In almost every society women are valued less than men, even in church! Some people use the excuse that men were created first. Well, Loren Cunningham said "Yes, man was created before woman, but before man, the frog was created..." (He's a great guy.) Have you ever noticed that when God was making creation, every creature He made was more beautiful than the last? And woman was the very last creation... Did you also know that in magazines, when there's a picture of a woman people tend to look at the picture several seconds longer than if it's a picture of a man? Women are beautiful. The crown of creation. Now, remember that satan was once beautiful, too? Well, he was stripped of his beauty of which he had been very proud, and he came across a woman, the very first one, Eve. He was jealous. He tempted her to sin, not her husband who was standing right next to her the whole time. And he's still jealous. That's why he attacks us in that area, making us feel inferior, ugly and undesirable. If this all seems far fetched, read Captivating. No matter how it sounds though, it remains true that many, many women don't believe they are beautiful. Now girl, if you ever feel like you're not pretty, know this: that's a lie from the pit of hell! Thoughts like this usually come from experiences in the past: being made fun of in school, comparing yourself with others, learning, through the media or from other people, what a women should look like, or, the most likely reason, never being told by your father that you were beautiful or lovely.

But guess what? If you're one of those women, like me, there's hope! God can heal those wounds. He wants to show you how lovely and adorable He thinks you are. Just give Him time.

So, there we were, me and God up on that hill, waiting for the sunset. I can't even fully explain how romantic it was, or how much it meant to me... I asked for a sign, something that would show that He loved me, and all of a sudden I heard a bird singing so beautifully. And there were pretty little purple flowers next to the road. And the sky started to turn pink. Suddenly a bunch sheep walked by the car! All the while God was laying something on my heart: let it go. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that wasn't me. When I was little I used to make fun of women who wouldn't go out of their house without make-up, now I'd become just like them. I don't know if it's true, but I think I look completely different without eye-liner and mascara and eye-shadow. I don't want to be defined by how I paint my face or by what I wear or by what society thinks all women should look like, but by who I am in God's eyes, who He's created me to be.

Then, just a few minutes before the sun set, I saw the sun and the trees form the shape of a heart...

How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.
Psalm 36:7

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!
Psalm 139:17-18

Silence - Monday, June 25th
First I want to apologize for two things. First, it's been four days since the last time I wrote and I do really want to write more often. Second, someone complained about something I wrote last week, that most godly men didn't seem to be very romantic. I do have to admit that I know of quite a lot of very romantic stories, but on the other hand, most of them I read in books written by women... ;-)

Anyway, today I want to write about two things. (Two seems to be a good number today...) I had a revelation. If you read it you'll probably either laugh or shake your head at this silly girl who needed a revelation to grasp this, but for me it was something I'd never thought of before. Here goes...:

I don't have to be best.

Ok, now what does that mean? Well, I never fully realized it, but my whole life I'd been trying to be best, not in every area, but in the ones important to me. For example, I've always wanted to be the prettiest girl, the most beautiful woman. But guess what? I'm not. So, that meant that I struggled with jealousy sometimes when I saw someone I thought was better looking than me, and not only that, but I was unsatisfied with myself. Or another example: I've always wanted to have the most beautiful voice, to be the most amazing singer. You know what my favorite movie was when I was little? The Little Mermaid. She was beautiful and she had the most beautiful voice. That's who I wanted to be. But I'm not, and I won't ever be. And that's ok. And this little realization, that it's ok, changed my life. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to try anymore to be pretty and sing nicely, but when someone comes along with the most beautiful voice I've ever heard I can admire it instead of becoming jealous. And as for being "most beautiful," that's the most stupid thing in the world to want to be. Every woman has her own kind of beauty, so trying to compare it is just...stupid. You can't. Oh, the world will tell you otherwise. Just open a magazine and pretty soon you'll see what "beautiful" is supposed to be, but that's not it. In Captivating (by John and Stasi Eldredge) it says:

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough.

The other thing I want to write about happened last night. Right now where my brain is supposed to be there's just a big mess. I'm confused about a lot of different things, and I don't exactly know what to do about it. So, I figured I'd ask God (always the best thing to do.) Well, I laid down and basically said "HELP!!" and...nothing happened. I didn't hear a thing. Hmm. What was that again about "knock, and I will open, ask and you will receive"? So I asked again. "HELP!!" And I heard...nothing. Nada. Zip. At first I was kind of lost and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered something else.

Guys, you're gonna learn some more about women now... A girl longs for romance, but the funny thing is, you'll rarely see her giving some guy a rose or taking him out for a candlelight dinner. Why? She wants to be pursued. She wants her knight in shining armour to come looking for her, to sweep her off her feet. When you do see a woman go after a guy, you can guess that something is probably wrong. On the other hand, guys, I think you also want to be the one to pursue the girl of your dreams. If you don't, if you are the kind of guy who'd prefer it if a girl made the first move, then that probably has to do with fear. You're afraid that if you'll fail if you do gather your courage and ask. But something that God's laid deep in your hearts is that you want to fight for something, that you want to pursue. Ok, where am I going with this... Genesis 1:27 says

So God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them.

So, both man and woman are created in His image, that means that both of us have "traits" we inherited from God, for example that guys are fighters - that's from God. And you'll also notice that very often God pursues us. He'll speak to us, romance us, show us His love in an uncountable number of ways. BUT He also created women in His image, which means that He also wants to be pursued, to be fought for. In Deuteronomy 4:29 it says

And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him.

To pursue God means to spend time with Him, to worship Him, to honor Him. When God doesn't speak it doesn't mean He's not there, it means He wants us to look for Him, to fight for Him, to pursue Him.

Psalm 108:1

Dreams - Wednesday, June 27th
Remember once upon a time, when you were little and had a whole bunch of dreams? Most kids, at some point in their life, want to do something special, something important, something BIG. That can range from...anywhere, to becoming an astronaut, a cowboy (or cowgirl), a singer, an actor/actress, a teacher, a doctor, a pilot, a nurse, a photographer, a baker, a farmer, a veterinarian. Whatever makes that little heart pound with excitement or makes those eyes shine. Time goes by, and eventually those dreams change a little. The dreams become a little smaller - though by no means less exciting! Maybe they'll start imagining getting their own apartment, buying a car, having a baby, writing a book, learning how to ride a horse, travelling around the world, composing a song, learning to cook. Now, we're talking about dreams, not the ones we have when we're asleep, but things we desire. The thing with these dreams, unlike the sleep-ones, is that they don't happen by themselves. You have to make an effort. Even Cinderella had to climb into her pumpkin-carriage in order to get to the ball. (And quite honestly, how often does it happen that a fairy godmother appears out of nowhere to provide for everything else??) Of course, not all desires are good. It's always good to ask yourself why you want something. For instance if you want to become a singer, is it bring people pleasure? Is it to please God? Or do you want people to look up to you or to even become jealous? It's also always good to pray about it. Philippians 4:6 says

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

God has an exciting plan for your life, and He knows if what you want is also good for you or not. I remember one of our speakers in Kona, Trent Sheppard, telling us about this one time he was dating a girl. He really liked her a lot. She was a strong Christian, she was pretty, and they probably made a good couple. But when he prayed about it, God told him to back off. He told Trent that she wasn't the girl for him. At first Trent refused, he didn't want to break up with her, but after a while they did break up. And guess what? One day he met this beautiful young woman named Bronwyn, who he's married to now, and I've never seen a man so happy. The first girl probably would have been good, but God doesn't want what's good, He wants what's best for you...

Yes, it's definitely always good to pray about things, whether they're big or small-ish. And it always takes an effort. There may be naturally gifted people out there who are very talented, but who ever heard of anyone being able to sit down in front of a piano and play something from Beethoven perfectly without ever having had any teaching or practise? For me, my dreams aren't too big right now, but a couple of things I've wanted to do for a long time are to write stories (short stories, novels, ...) and to write songs. I've actually written one song before, but... I don't know why, but for some reason I don't like it at all. It doesn't sound good to me. What I should do is to fix it, to re-write it so that I do like it and won't be ashamed to play it anymore. But guess what? The song won't change by itself. The same with writing. I started writing many different stories, but I always gave up. Know how many books I've written? Zero.

I've changed my room around three times since I got back home (which was about three and a half weeks ago), and each time was a challenge. Lifting the matress of my bed, turning the frame sideways so I could move it to where I wanted it; turning a recliner upside-down, lifting it halfway on the desk and sliding it to the other side; doing the same thing with a little sofa, only the other way 'round... Do you think I thought of those things right away? No, but I was stubborn and wouldn't give up until I'd gotten everything where I wanted it. (And it was quite a lot of work, too...)

If you have a dream, if there's something that you like doing or would like to be able to do or want to do (and it's not opposed to what God wants,) then GO FOR IT! And if at first you don't succeed, try again!

Ephesians 4:21-24

Kittens and puppies - Saturday, June 30th
Do you have things that just make you happy? I do, for me it's kittens and puppies, hot chocolate, Stevie Wonder, sunshine, forget-me-nots, and pink nail polish. Have you ever thought that God might take pleasure in those things, too? Somehow we always only see one side of God (He is rather too big for us to concentrate on all of Him at once...) His rathful side, His merciful side, His caring side, ..., and on top of all that He also has a creative side. If you ever doubt that, look at Charlie Chaplin and remind yourself that God made him and his wonderful sense of humor. Or look at a Zebra, a dandelion, a sunset. And people think Christianity is boring - how's that possible?? He's the exciting, dangerous, wonderful creator of the universe - how could anything to do with Him not be exciting, dangerous and wonderful, too? Maybe we've become tame. Jesus certainly wasn't tame. Neither were His disciples. Just think about Stephen. He was brought before the high council, accused of threatening to "destroy the Temple and change the customs Moses handed down to [them]." That was a very delicate situation; if he'd have apologized and groveled, maybe he would have gotten away with his life. But what did he do? He accused them!

"You stubborn people! You are heathen at heart and deaf to the truth. Must you forever resist the Holy Spirit? But your ancestors did, and so do you! Name one prophet your ancestors didn't persecute! They even killed the ones who predicted the coming of the Righteous One - the Messiah whom you betrayed and murdered. You deliberately disobeyed God's law, though you received it from the hands of angels."
Acts 7:51-53

Is it any wonder they wanted to kill him after that? But he didn't care. He had his eyes set on God.

Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed steadily upward into heaven and saw the glory of God, and he saw Jesus standing in the place of honor at God's right hand. And he told them, "Look, I see the heavens opened and the Son of Man standing in the place of honor at God's right hand!"
Acts 7:55-56

Oh, I hope I'll be just as brave if I ever come into a situation like that. Of course I'd like to believe that I would react just the same and not deny Christ in the face of death, but...I don't know. I think Stephen was so unafraid because He knew Jesus. I don't think he'd ever met Jesus in person, but he still knew Jesus. And his whole life was centered around his relationship with Christ. And if we would live like that, for one thing I think we would have way more missionaries, in our own country as well as in others... I think I remember Fred Markert (one of our speakers in Kona; he's also the leader of the YWAM base in Colorado Springs) saying that out of ten people God's called to be missionaries in other countries, only one goes. So, for example, say a church has four people who feel God's calling and move to China, Fiji, Iran and Israel. But actually 36 other people (in that same church) were called too, to Africa, Brazil, Peru, Afghanistan and Papua New Guinea, but they decided to stay home... We're just too comfortable. And there'd be plenty of work to do at home, too - 97% of Europe is NOT Christian. (Which is kind of embarassing considering that 9% of China is Christian...though that is really, really awesome that so many know Jesus there!) And if we don't stand up and do something, a lot of our friends, family, collegues and neighbors are going to go to hell.

Wow, that was quite a subject swap, from kittens to preventing friends from going to hell. But really it's all related. It all has to do with God, and, as we know, He's got very many sides. I think He's happy, too, when we play with puppies, and having a hot chocolate with Him would always be a good idea, but life isn't always happy and beautiful, there are a whole lot of nasty things out there, and there's still a whole lot of work to be done. Jesus never said "Follow me and you'll be happy," but He did say that life would be hard, that we'd be persecuted and hated for our faith. But, at the same time, I think it should also be an adventure. If we truly loved Jesus, then it would only be logical that we'd love serving Him, too. And every single exciting story I've ever heard of a Christian happened somewhere out in the big, wide world, not at home in the living room in front of the TV... (And other countries have kittens and puppies, too, after all... :-))

Psalm 139:23-24

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