LoveWithAMission.com - December 2006

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1 December
It's the beginning of december, start of the Christmas season, the season of joy, goodwill towards men, presents, glittering decorations and twinkling Christmas lights, cookies, happy children, hurried Christmas shoppers, stressed sales-people, ... You know, whenever I wrote about not using swear-words I was generally thinking about other people, but today I realized that I need to learn to control my tongue as well... Did you know that our customers (at McDonald's) are supposed to throw away their own garbage? That's what those huge garbages are for and why we serve the food on trays. Well, most people seem to know that, and if they don't they do it anyway which is very considerate, but just a few people don't which means we have clean up after them. And sometimes you can tell who it was by the garbage, for instance the box of twenty chicken nuggets (not ordered that often) or once it was three empty Big Tasty boxes... Ok, lot's of people don't put away their trays when they've finished eating, but I remember those two times because I remember who ordered them, and, um, yeah, they were about my age and, you know, the type who doesn't smile back at you or say anything when you greet them or say goodbye, and just generally aren't particularly polite... Anyway, when I found those trays I got mad, it just seemed typical, and I swore a little bit calling them not-so nice names, and it actually surprised me... I'm not the type of girl who swears a lot or calls people names, but when I'm angry it takes very little for those kind of things to slip out... I remember once when I was in the ninth grade or so, someone got me really mad, and I told him to...(never mind what I said), and he was shocked! I don't think it was what I said, I'm sure he'd heard it dozens of times before, but because it came from me, and I never say things like that otherwise... (He called me "witch" for quite a while after that by the way...) Actually, what made it so bad was that I'm supposed to be a Christian, and, whether I like it or not, Christians are held to a higher standard than others, by God and also by other people. What kind of a testimony am I giving if I let things like that "slip out"? Not a very good one... There's a beautiful song that goes like this... ...I chose to be holy, set apart for You my Master, ready to do Your will. Holy means to be without sin. You may think that's impossible, and for us it is, but for God nothing is impossible... The less we sin the better testimony our lives are for other people.

Luke 6:27-36

2 December
The stuff I write here has begun to sound preachery...sorry...

I'm going through a book called Get real, get ready, get going by Michael Ross. It has about thirty chapters, one for each day of the month, and the one I read today was about servanthood. (No, it doesn't have anything to do with Robin Hood...) My little world rotates about, well, me most of the time, and I'm pretty comfortable with that rhythm, but it could be possible that God's not quite happy with it... I can't think of a single person I serve, other than my mom now and then, but not nearly as much as I should, and not always with a glad heart... ("Serving" people at McDonald's doesn't count.) I'm not even sure I want to serve anyone but myself sometimes, but what I do want, though it may sound silly, is to want to serve others... I read in my devotional Bible that when it comes to asking for forgiveness, sometimes we're not actually sorry for what we did, but we're sorry for not being sorry, and that's at least a start... I want to want to serve others...sounds kinda similar, doesn't it? Maybe if I pray about it God will turn it into a real desire. My life is just like a warm, comfortable little room, and serving others would mean leaving the warmth and the comfort, and going out into the big world that might be cold and...uncomfortable. But, on the other hand, the sun might be shining and it might be very fulfilling. A friend of mine who is very good at serving others told me that she gets at least as much from serving others as the people being served. I could offer to babysit for someone, I could do the dishes without being told for a change, I could spend time with someone from work outside of work, I could clean my church, I could invest myself more in my Jugi, I could bake a cake for someone, if God gave me a whole lot of courage I could go to the city and minister to the people on the streets, I could start a conversation with someone on the train and invite them to my church, etc. Not too long ago I helped to get a little Jugi-worship-band started (we played yesterday, it was great! There were more people standing on the stage than in front of it... :-)), and maybe eventually I could organize something a little bigger, though I have no idea what that might be... There would be lot's of opportunities to serve, I just haven't been paying attention...

Galatians 5:25

3 December
Eek, I'm leaving in a month!! Ahem, anyway, I read the "Story of the Farmer Scattering Seed" in the Bible, it's about a farmer who scattered seed on four different kinds of earth. Some seeds fell on a path, some on shallow soil with underlying rock, some among thorns, and finally some fell on fertile soil. The different kinds of earth represent the different kinds of people, and the seed is God's message. Hmm, I'd really rather not be a path, all dried-up with people stepping on me all the time. I can imagine that someone like that might be someone very stubborn (uh oh...), or someone very doubtful who wont believe anything unless it's proven. Sadly Christianity isn't knowing, it's believing... I'd also rather not be the shallow soil, the word "shallow" itself already doesn't sound too nice... Shallow means not very deep, when it comes to people it can also mean artificial. I don't want to be someone who's maybe a Christian towards the outside, but only has "rocks" or a hard heart on the inside... I don't want to whither because of little problems, or even big problems, I want my faith to have strong roots that go very deep, so deep that no one under any circumstance can rip them out. Living under a bunch of thorns doesn't sound too comfortable either... I wonder, would that be someone who's maybe been hurt and because of that has built a wall around their heart? Maybe trying to protect themselves they've built up a shield of thorns in order to keep anyone from coming too close and reaching that vulnerable part underneath... I wonder if I have a shield of thorns like that... Actually, I think I do... Lot's of people are afraid of being hurt, which is what can happen when you get close to other people. I think I have at least a little part of all those three kinds of soil in me... Sometimes I think God tells me something, but I'm so unsure because I don't know whether it's God talking or just my imagination... Sometimes, or actually most of the time when I go to church I think more about the people I'm going to see there rather than learning more about my faith... I go to see my friends, not necessarily for the worship or to hear the sermon or...God. There's also a good kind of earth though, the one that accepts the seed, let's it grow roots and produces a harvest one hundred times as big... Wow! I want to be that kind of earth! What does it take? Well, maybe I should let go of my stubborness and my insecurities, as well as my shallowness, my trying to impress others and caring about what they think of me, as well as that "shield of thorns", which means maybe I'll have to let people get closer to me...

Luke 8:4-15

4/5 December
I'm very sorry I skipped one day... I got home kinda late last night (we had crew party), though that's only one reason I didn't write, the other is that I couldn't think of anything to write about... It's a bit sad, I spent most of yesterday just thinking about the party that would be in the evening, and in the evening I just enjoyed being together with the people from work (in our everyday clothes for a change.) I didn't really spend a lot of time with God... But today something happened that almost forced me to pray... I don't know exactly when it started or why it happened or even what it was, but suddenly I couldn't see well, some areas were very blurry, I could hardly see anything out of the left corner of my eye... What made it scary was that it lasted about twenty minutes! I thought I was going blind... I thought about telling my boss (I was at work) that I needed to go to an eye specialist. I didn't though, I prayed instead... I really wondered whether I was going blind, and after my initial response (please, please, please God, heal my eyes!) I started to wonder what God might want to show me... If I were blind I would lose so much independence, I would have to rely on others for almost everything, I would have to trust others and God a whole lot more than I do now... Oh God, You shouldn't have to take such extreme measures to show me that I need to trust You more! I'm sorry for being so stubborn and so full of pride that I rely so much on my own knowledge instead of Your infinit wisdom... Lately I've been thinking a whole lot about what I should do after the discipleship school. There are two options for me, either I stay abroad, continue working in missions, or I come home and invest myself in my church and build something up here. I've been trying to figure it out in my head, but I can't... Only God can tell me the will of Himself... And I need to learn to trust Him, that He'll let me know at the right time, He wont leave me hanging. I want to learn to trust God, no matter what situation I'm in. He knows better than I or anyone else what's right for me, and He'll tell me what I need to know in His own good time. (My eyes did return back to normal later by the way.)

Luke 11:9-10

6 December
I need to start going to bed earlier... Anyway, tonight we had Alphacourse and it was about prayer. I realized I don't pray nearly as much as I should... Prayer is simply conversation with God, and conversation is the most important thing (next to love) when it comes to building up a relationship. I realized that there are also things in me that aren't good, bad habits, bad character traits, that I can't change on my own, no matter how hard I try, so I asked God to help me...and I believe He will. One women in the course had said something before about the Psalms, and she mentioned that King David had been someone very special to God (in His own words: a man after My own heart), and one of the leaders said that it was because David was so honest! He always said exactly what was on His mind and didn't hesitate to tell God when He needed help or when things weren't going well. I need to develop that kind of honesty and not just pray about the things I think I "should"...
So, I need to go to bed now. Tomorrow I'll try to write this earlier in the day so that it will hopefully make more sense...

7 December
As I already wrote, we had Alphacourse yesterday, and the theme was prayer. We looked at one of Jesus' prayers: Our Father in heaven, may your name be honored. May your Kingdoom come soon. May your will be done here on earth, just as it is in heaven. Give us our food for today, and forgive us our sins, just as we forgive those who have sinned against us. And don't let us yield to temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. (Matthew 6:9b-13) Jesus then continued to say that if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us either. I was sitting in our living room just now, gazing at the beautiful Christmas tree; I didn't feel at peace. I felt restless inside. So I asked God what was wrong, whether He was trying to tell me something. He told me the name of someone. I first didn't know what it meant, then I realized that I was angry with this person. Then I realized that there's another person I wasn't happy with, and for very similar reasons. I hadn't forgiven them because I didn't think I had any right to be mad at them, they hadn't sinned against me, but just the same I was mad at them, and God showed me that I needed to forgive them anyway, and I also needed to ask for forgiveness myself... My attitude towards them hasn't been what it should be. I was haughty, even if it was just in my thoughts. I behaved as if I were better than them. We tend to think that when someone sins against us that we're better than them, but that's not true, we all sin too, and if we don't forgive the people who hurt us, in a way that's even worse than what they might have done to us... Storing up anger doesn't do any good, it hinders the process of healing and can ruin a maybe very valuable friendship, as well as poison your heart. Not forgiving others is a sin, and if we hold on to sin, then God can't teach us new things or heal us or even use us... After I'd forgiven and received forgiveness I felt much lighter. Listening to God is always the smartest thing to do. :-)

Luke 12:33-34

8 December
Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world, you show that you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only the lust of physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and pride in our possessions. These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever. (1. John 2:15-17)

I wonder what this means for me... Stop loving this evil world and all it offers you, such as movies, TV, books, comfortable homes, lot's of furniture, good food, too many clothes, etc., for when you love the world and these things, you show that you do not have the love of the Father in you. Eek, you know what that means? It means that if we love those kind of things, then we are not Christians! Jesus told a rich man, "Sell all you have and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." (Luke 18:22b) When I used to read this verse I would basically ignore it, thinking it was meant for the rich people, not me. Being rich, in our society, means more than what I am, it means maybe living in a nice, big house, maybe even owning two houses, one in the south of France for vacations, owning a mercedes, etc., things like that. But actually, compared to people in some other countries, I am rich... So, would I be willing to give absolutely everything up to follow Jesus? I don't know, but it would be hard... It would just be a matter of what I love more, all the things I posses, or Jesus. And this choice really is a crossroad, for when you chose one you can't have the other...

No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. (Matthew 6:24)

I think maybe I could chose the right way, but I think it would feel like I was giving up my heart instead of just my things... It's amazing how attached I am to the things I own. But, if we do chose the right way, Jesus promises this: Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. (Matthew 6:32b-33)

Another thing He asks of us is, "If you want to be my follower you must love me more than your own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, more than your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)

Yes, it is hard to be a true Christians sometimes, Jesus also said "Foxes have dends to live in, and birds have nests, but I, the Son of Man, have no home of my own, not even a place to lay my head." (Luke 9:58b)

But, what we'd gain in return is ever so much more precious... Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. As a result, I can really know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I can learn what it means to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that, somehow, I can experience the resurrection from the dead! (Philippians 3:8-11)

1. Peter 5:6-7

9/10 December
I'm sorry I skipped one day; our Jugi went to 'Alpamare' (that's a water theme park) yesterday (the 9th) and I didn't get home until about 1.30am the next morning, and at about 1.33am I was in bed... I had a great time! A few people I badgered for a while about coming actually did come which made it especially special... :-) (Being stubborn may not be a good thing, but persistence can be... ;-))

I think I'm slowly starting to understand that God may want me to commit my whole life to His ministry. (Though exactly where and how I have no idea.) This is scary for me because I can't imagine how God could possibly use me, I don't recognize any special gifts I have He could use in His ministry, but for God nothing is impossible, so... During church service today we took the Lord's supper, and while I took it I gave my life over to God again, completely. I want Him to be in control of my life, every part of it, every action of mine, everything I do. One reason I gave my life over to God, again, is because, well, I haven't been living for Him, but mainly for myself... If I don't make an effort I can be a pretty selfish person, basically just looking out for Nr. 1, which isn't exactly compatible with what God wants...

And remember, it is a message to obey, not just to listen to. If you don't obey, you are only fooling yourself. For if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you keep looking steadily into God's perfect law - the law that sets you free - and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. (James 1:22-25)

I like that comparison to looking in a mirror... It's actually realistic, I really don't know what I look like, that is, of course I recognize myself in the mirror and in pictures, but creating a mental image of myself is kind of difficult. To know what I look like I'd basically just have too look into a mirror 24/7, which would appear slightly vain and would also just be a huge waste of time, but "looking steadily into God's perfect law" certainly isn't a waste of time... I think that means studying the Bible and praying and asking God what His will is for my life. If I just ask once I probably won't get a very satisfying answer, but if I keep on "knocking" on God's door, then He promises to open it. Then comes the hard part, doing what the Bible says and what God commands. But really, if God created me, if He's the only reason I even exist, then isn't the only logical thing to do to live my life for Him? All the other things fade, one day my life here will be over and I won't be able to take any of the things I lived for here on this earth with me. The only thing worth doing is living for God, because what I do for Him won't fade, but it will make my life "worth living". If I live but don't give my life to God, then I might as well never have lived at all...

11 December
I went to see Happy Feet today with a friend of mine...so cute!! :-)

Anyway, I realized today that I'm kind of stuck up... I can also be condescending, rude, and proud. This isn't really who I want to be... If I'm a Christian, then I should be filled up with God's love, which should be like this: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand it's own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1. Corinthians 13:4-7) Let's look at those verses more closely... Love is patient and kind. Um, oops... My job would be a great place to learn about patience, but somehow I seem to become more and more impatient... I'm usually at the cash-register, and sometimes when the things I need from the kitchen aren't there right away...well, I wouldn't call it being "kind"... Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Erm, oops again... Love does not demand it's own way. Hmm, if things don't go the way I think they should I tend to think they're not any good... Somehow I always tend to think my way is best. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. Not letting things irritate me isn't that easy, I don't think it's something I can do on my own, but also not something that will just happen without any effort. Things just do irritate us unless we have the Holy Spirit inside us to help us be patient and kind to everyone. And about keeping no records of wrong-doings, I just realized I still haven't forgiven those girls who didn't put away their treys when they had finished eating... So, I'm going to stop writing now and go have a talk with God...

12 December
I have several nice things to write about, so be prepared that this entry might be long-ish... (Longer than usual that is.)

I wrote an e-mail to all of my friends and family whose e-mail address I have, telling them about the Discipleship Training School I'll be starting in January. It also includes a few lines incase someone would like to support me financially, and the response to that was overwhelming for me! Several people I've never even met before offered to help me, a very nice couple I barely know, actually, make that two couples I don't know very well, several of my family members who could use support themselves, ... The generosity I'm receiving is really overwhelming, much more than I expected, and so very kind that I feel very, very blessed. God blesses those who are generous, and I'm also praying for them that He'll bless them with much, much more. I also want to be a blessing myself... I'm reading a book called Friend Raising by Betty Barnett, it's about building a missionary support team; it's recommended to everyone who joins YWAM which is why I'm reading it. One thing that Betty says is very important is staying in contact, so be prepared to hear from me a lot... ;-) I don't take this generosity for granted and I'm very grateful. Thank you so much!!

While I'm talking about generosity, maybe you'll remember that a while ago I wrote something about my youth group sponsoring a pair of shoes for me...? It was a test of my humility, I had to let go of my pride to accept that money. But you know, now I love those shoes! They're my favorite ones! I wear them almost every day. On the few days I don't wear them it's usually really bad weather and/or I go somewhere where I think they could get dirty or muddy... And you know, they're not special to me because of how they look, though I do really like the way they look, but they're precious because of the people who gave them to me.

Yes, there's more... ;-) I went flying with my dad today. He's a flying instructor and he also flies aerobatics, but his license expires in a couple of days and he's not going to renew it because it's such a big hassle (and he has tons of other things to do anyway...) He wanted to fly one last time with me though, and of course that suited me just fine... :-) We flew around the mountains a little bit and did some aerobatic figures (he even taught me how to do one!) It was wonderful! The weather was perfect, I didn't get sick, the landscape was beautiful... My dad even took some pictures, maybe I'll be able to show some of them here. You know, it takes a huge amount of faith to go flying with someone like that. If I didn't trust my dad completely I would have been terrified! But he checked the plane carefully, put a parachute on me and showed me how to use it just in case, made sure I was belted into my seat securely and made sure I was comfortable, too. He also waited with planning our flight until the weather was good and there wasn't too much wind. He's also had years of experience with flying so that I couldn't be in more capable hands in that plane. That's exactly the way our lives should be when we lay them into God's hands... God waits for the perfect timing, then when it's time He gets everything ready, makes sure you're "belted into your seat" safely, then He sits down next to you, prepares for "take off" and then, together He and you "take off"... You can trust Him completely, there's no better pilot than Him. Depending on how much you can take, He'll start doing scarier things, sort of like aerobatic figures. Some are easy, you don't feel a thing, you just see how the whole world seems to rotate around you, others, like flying upside down, can make you feel a bit queasy, but He's always right there, He knows where your limits are, how much you can bear. The more "mature" you are in your faith, the more things He can show you, the more interesting things He can do with you. Sometimes it might get very scary, He might let the motor stall and it might look as if you were going to "crash", but just in time He will get the motor running again and save you. Being a Christian is like flying with my dad, it's not always easy, it might even be a bit frightening at times, but you're never alone and it's oh so exciting!

One more thing, tonight we had supper with our house-group, it was really nice. I ate and drank too much (but the food was very, very good!), and being together with them was special. Fellowship with other Christians is something very important, something some people, me too, tend to forget sometimes...

Psalm 119:74

13 December
I looked through some old photographs if mine, some I took over ten years ago as well as some newer ones, and I noticed something... Unless there's at least one person stuck into the picture somewhere, most of those pictures are incredibly boring! It might have something to do with the fact that I'm not a very good photographer, but I think that's also true otherwise. Pictures are more interesting when they have people in them, and I think the same can be said for our lives. If I were all alone at work, it would be terribly boring! If my parents weren't there to share my life with me, I would be lonely! If I couldn't look forward to spending time with my youth group at least once a week, something would be missing! If I didn't see my house group almost every two weeks, I would miss those people after a while! Friends and family are important. I only see my family in the States about every one or two years, and every time we go it's a huge occasion, not because of the traveling or the holidays or the shopping or whatever, but because we look forward to seeing them! It's a bit sad, but I see less of my family here in Switzerland than I see of my relatives in the States, I don't know exactly why, but it's been that way ever since my grand-parents died. It's no one's fault, it's just the way it is. I also have friends I haven't heard from in ages, like former neighbors, people I met in camps, former school-mates, former pen-pals, etc. I think I just didn't make enough of an effort... It does take an effort to sit down and write a letter or to pick up the phone, but it would be worth it... I'm a bit afraid that when I leave for Hawaii that people will forget me, that I'll lose contact with everyone. I know, I probably shouldn't worry so much considering that I'll "only" be gone for five months (unless God calls me to stay away longer), but still. The best way to kill a friendship is to simply do nothing. To do nothing is the easiest thing to do, which might be why lot's of people in our country are so lonely... Having "best" friends is also important, and Jesus should be the most important one. He's one of those few who's always there, who always listens and always cares. But our relationship to Him suffers when we "do nothing", just like with other people... If we never talk to Him, then our relationship with Him will eventually die, because one-sided relationships don't work...

Ephesians 5:2a

14 December
So happy... (Ever seen Roman Holiday?) I just spent some time reading the Bible and praying and now I'm just...so happy! I'm still reading Get real, get ready, get going by Michael Ross, and one of the chapters I read today was about one experience he had where he shared his faith with a young waiter. After he left the restaurant he prayed, and I think his prayer sums up everything evangelization should be about:
Lord, I get it. It's not just about "winning" someone's salvation. It's about genuinely "loving my neighbors." It's about keeping my heart on fire for you, so you can work through me. It's especially about living in a way that points others to eternity.
I believe God has given me a heart for reaching others (though the courage is still lacking...) I've been floundering a lot because I didn't (and still don't exactly) know what God wants me to do after Hawaii. I thought maybe God wanted me to go into missionary-work in other countries, but I was unsure about it, and I think this "not being sure" comes from God because it's not what He wants... I've read several books lately about missionaries and about going into missions, and I reasoned with my head that this was what God had to want for me, it seemed logical somehow. And yet, now, I don't think it is. I believe God wants me to stay in Switzerland (after the Discipleship Training School), at least for the time being, and to share my faith here. That's actually even scarier than evangelizing in foreign countries... In my daily devotional Bible I read this today:
When Jesus gave his disciples their marching orders, he told them to begin at Jerusalem, the place of their worst experiences and greatest failure. ... Actually, it is often easier to go to the farthest parts before attending to the nearest. We feel we are too well known in our "Jerusalem," so we fear that people won't believe us. But we need to start there.
The start can be very small. It can (and should) be just living in a way that points others to eternity, in other words, to live what you preach. We can't tell others about being freed from sin if we still live a sinful life! It starts with neighbors, people at work, friends, family...

Psalm 27:1

15 December
So tired... I think I could sleep standing up... I was sitting at my desk a few moments ago, staring into space and wondering what I should write about, thinking that I can't remember when I've been so tired the last time (I really don't know), and suddenly it came to my mind that we can have these kind of days in our faith, too. Ever seemed like no matter how hard you tried, it just felt like God was a million miles away? Ever had a time when worship was just singing? Ever had trouble concentrating while reading the Bible? We can get tired in our faith, too. And just like, when you're tired, coffee only offers a temporary fix, in the same way a half-heartedly sung worship-song or a half-listened-to sermon or a half a chapter in the Bible a day won't help much in the long run. When we're exhausted we need sleep, where we're able to come to peace and regain our strength. When our faith is "sleepy", physical sleep won't help (though maybe we'll have more energy to try harder afterwards), so where can we find peace and a revival of our strength? Sometimes praying can be hard, I don't mean "hard", but, for example, sometimes I don't know what to pray for. For starters you can thank God for all He's done in your life, that He sent His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for you, for the beautiful sunrise this morning, for the nice talk you had with a friend, for His kindness, for the cookie a friend gave you, etc., etc. Finding things to be thankful for is easy, for me anyway, and continuing from there comes naturally. Sleeping means in a way to switch off, to close your eyes for a little while to all the things occupying your thoughts, all the things that still have to be done, all that's happened during the day. "Switching off" during prayer can also be good sometimes (no, I don't mean dozing off...), switching off ourselves and concentrating on God instead, switching off our own wishes and desires, switching off our own troubles and worries, switching off our own selfishness and self-centeredness, and instead focusing on Jesus, all that He's done, all that He wants, all that He cares about. Our lives should be about Him after all, not about ourselves. John the baptist said "He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less." (John 3:30)

16/17 December
I wonder what it's like to get enough sleep, I don't think I remember... Anyway, I read a Bible verse tonight that supprised me by teaching me something...

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. (Philippians 4:6)

I've read this Bible verse many times before, and I think what it says is great, but it took me until tonight to pay attention to one little detail... Tell God what you need... I should pray for the things I need, not the things I want... How often have my prayers sounded like I was a little child sitting on Santa's lap reciting my Christmas wish-list... I can be so selfish! God isn't a some kind of magic hat where, when you say and do the right things, something can be pulled out of it. God is God! We shouldn't imagine him like some kind of sweet old Santa Clause who gives us what we want when we behave. It's only grace that He cares about us. He loves us, and we shouldn't try to abuse that love! Not that we could, it's not as if we could hide anything from God, but it must hurt Him when the only reason we're Christians is to get as much out of being His children as possible. When I ask God for things, I don't want to ask anymore with an attitude of "gimme, gimme, gimme," but instead I want ask with humility and respect. And only for the things I need. And the list of the things I need is actually very short... I already have food, clothes and a place to live. All I really need is Jesus... I want my relationship with Him to flourish, and that's not going to happen if I keep on asking for a perfect figure, long hair, a wonderful well-paying job where I don't have to do anything, a dog, money, a boyfriend, admiration, fame, etc., etc.

Colossians 3:2

18 December
About one and a half years ago I started to lose weight by eating healthily (or at least healthier) and working out, and I lost quite a lot, but over the past few months I've regained some of it, and it took me until now to connect my gaining weight to my not working out anymore... To maintain a healthy weight you need both, to eat healthily and not too much, as well as exercise, and come to think of it I haven't been doing any of those things lately... So, I worked out (and I already feel better!) and while I was exercising I listened to a Christian CD (Raze) and so, of course, I started comparing it to being a Christian. I think to be a healthy Christian it's similar. We need both, we need to receive from God (by reading the Bible, praying, going to church/house group/youth group) and we need to "let it out" again by sharing God's love with others (through evangelism, helping others, serving others, sharing with others.) If we only "eat," if we only receive from God but don't "exercise" our faith, then we'll become fat, unhealthy, lazy Christians who God can't use very well because we're out of shape. On the other hand, if we only exercise but never "eat," we'll starve, we won't have anything to give. We also need to watch our diet... If we read the Bible, but never fellowship with other Christians, then we're missing out on lots of important "proteins." If we go to church on Sunday, but never pray, then we're not getting any "vitamins." To become strong Christians we need a healthy diet of God's word, as well as lot's of exercise while sharing what He says with others. Colossians 3:16-17

19/20 December
My creativity seems to have gone on holiday leaving me with hardly anything to write about, which is why I've been skipping quite a few days lately... Sorry.

Isn't it amazing how attached you can become to people? I think for some reason this is especially strong in children, for instance when families move it's usually the hardest for the children, or maybe they just make the biggest fuss... Either the grown-ups can just hide their pain better when they leave people they care about, or I'm still very much a child in that respect... (Yes, in others too.) I'm only going to be working for two more days (Friday is my last day) and I asked one special women I work with if she'd be working tomorrow (no...) or the day after (no...), which meant I wouldn't be seeing her anymore! She said she'd come to work on Friday, just for me...I wanted to cry on my way home, that was very special to me. So, tomorrow and the day after I want to take our digital camera to work and take pictures of everyone. I already feel silly just thinking about it... (I'm not really someone who takes a lot of pictures.) I hope I'll even find time to take pictures, I mean, I should actually be working at work after all, but on the other hand they can't really fire me since I'm only working for two more days anyway... I already feel foolish thinking about taking pictures of everyone, but it made me think about humility, and I realized something. Humility isn't not caring about what other people think, it means caring more about something else that's more important. That something else can be doing the right thing, honesty, caring more about others than ourselves. Humility means not letting our pride dominate what we do and how we act. It means not doing things thinking "What will people think of me?" but instead "Am I doing what's right?" Ok, maybe you think I'm making too big of a fuss about taking these pictures, but I'm actually terrified, I'm going to feel like such an idiot...but I don't care. I may never see those very special people again and I want to have something to remember them by.

And while we're talking about practising humility, thanks to my great talent (...) I managed to cut three of my fingers while I was trying to clean the glass of a picture frame... That means I have three huge-seeming bandaids on my fingers, which will probably also be interesting at work tomorrow...especially explaining them to everyone... (And the picture frame isn't any cleaner than it was before by the way...) We'll see, maybe no one will notice.

Proverbs 28:1

21/22 December
These were my last two days at work. I already miss them... (Though, to be perfectly honest, I don't miss the work itself even one tiny bit... ;-)) I did manage to take pictures of most of the people who worked these two days, and I'm probably gonna "visit" them a couple of times before I go, and maybe I'll be able to take some more then. These two days were kind of bitter-sweet. On one hand it was sad saying good-bye, on the other hand it was touching how lot's of people asked "but you'll come back, right?" or a couple of people said they'd miss me, and one person came especially to work (on her day off!) to say good-bye... The last five months have been long, hard, and unforgetable. I made friends with lot's of wonderful people, I learned a lot, I gained self-confidence, I learned to speak up (sort of...one women I worked with called me "little bird" because of my little voice...) It was a very special time in my life that I'll never forget, but I guess it's time to move on... I'll meet lot's of other people in the next five months, and maybe it will be just as hard saying good-bye to all of them, too. Good-byes are just a part of life I guess. Saying good-bye to something or someone can be hard, but in a way it makes room for something new. So, I wonder what God has in store for me...

Galatians 6:7a

23 December
A good friend...

accepts you despite all your miserable blunders.
allows you to take off your mask and feel safe.
makes you feel special, valuable, gifted, loved.
moves you towards greatness.

I read that today in Get real, get ready, get going (by Michael Ross), and it made me think. The chapter was about friendships, how they can either build us up, or bring us down. It made me think about what kind of a friend I am... Do I accept my friends when they do things I think are wrong? Or when they hurt my feelings? Not always... Judging people is sadly something that seems to come naturally... Do I let people be themselves? Or do I keep my relationships on the surface? Do I just talk about shallow things that have hardly any meaning? Usually... Do I ever take off my own mask and show people how I really feel? Rarely... Do I show the people I care about how precious they are to me? Not really... Do I encourage them to grow in their faith? To try new things? To use their talents? Sometimes, but not as much as I could or should... Am I honest with my friends? Do I tell them my secrets? No. Do I tell them when they're sinning and don't seem to realize it? No. Jesus said that we should love others as He loved us. He was always completely honest and open, never afraid to tell the truth. And He was never, ever superficial...

Colossians 3:12-15

24/25 December
Merry (belated) Christmas!!

Oooohh, I feel like a pig...or maybe "stuffed turkey" would be more appropriate... On Christmas Eve my stomach hurt so much I could hardly bear it. I even came to the point where I told myself I couldn't stand it anymore, and, well... I once wrote here that I couldn't have annorexia because I simply couldn't make myself "do it;" well, Christmas Eve I found out that wasn't true... Yeah, I had a bad concience afterwards (and my tummy didn't feel much better...) And you know, it's hard to stop... I hardly payed any attention at all to the One whose birthday we were supposed to be celebrating, but I did pray that night. I told Him I was sorry, asked Him to forgive me, and asked Him for His help to keep me from falling into that dangerous and very deep pit... I know more than one person who have fallen into it, and climbing back out was very, very hard. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of the One who came on earth to reconcile us with His Father, by dying for our sins. Because of Him, our sins can be forgiven. I experienced that forgiveness that night... I realized that I was no better than all the other people struggling with that problem, I have the same capacity in me for that, I am just as temptable. But I have one advantage that people who don't know Jesus don't have, I have Him on my side, giving me the strength to resist the temptation. (If you know Christ, you have that advantage, too! No matter what kind of thing you struggle with.)

Christmas is a time for giving presents. The gift God gave me was His forgiveness, but what can I give in return? Well, when someone forgives us for something, they expect us not to do it anymore... I think lot's of people believe that when they sin that can simply ask God for forgiveness, and then everything's ok. They just live however they want to and then expect God to forgive them. And after they said they were sorry they just keep on living the way they did before. (I'm like that sometimes anyway...) A wonderful present for God would be to change ourselves. To not just say "I'm sorry," but to actually do something actively to prevent that sin from happening again. The only thing I can do from keeping that particular sin from being repeated is to eat less. (Eating like a pig is anyway selfish, which means it's a sin, and also it's not very ladylike...) So, my present to Jesus this Christmas is my life, my character. I am willing to change in whatever way He wants, even if it means giving up some things that I like...

Colossians 3:1-11

26 December
Do all in His presence, and to win His smile.

I read this today in Get real, get ready, get going by Michael Ross, and for some reason it stuck with me... What a nice picture! I can't imagine a nicer thing than doing something and seeing God smile at me because of it. I don't know about you, but I like making other people happy. Not that I make a huge effort (shame on me!), but when I can make someone smile, it makes me happy, too. It says in the Bible that we should become like children in our faith. I remember when I was little (I mean, younger...) there was no bigger thrill for me than to try to make my parents smile. I would draw (tons of) pictures, and everytime I gave one to one of my parents, I couldn't wait to see that smile spreading over their faces as I handed them the picture. Now as grown-ups we usually think it's different, but I think it should be exactly the same... I want to "draw pictures," which means doing whatever it is that I can do through the talents God gave me, and accomplish things in order to make Him smile... My parents didn't force me to draw pictures, it wasn't something they requested of me, it was something I did to show them I loved them. I want to show God I love Him, too, and I can't wait to see Him smile some day...

Psalm 139:24

27 December
We were invited for supper tonight (yes, I managed not to eat too much... :-)) and by the time we got in our car and drove home it was kinda late. It was (very, very) cold outside and all the windows were fogged up. I drew a heart in the clouded up window, but it had a bit of an odd shape, so tried correcting it, but it still wasn't quite right... Every time I tried to correct it, the heart became a little bigger. If I hadn't stopped it would have eventually filled up the whole window... I think it works the same way with our hearts... The more we try to "correct" our heart, the more we try to become more like Jesus, the more we love God and other people, the bigger our hearts become. And if we don't make any effort, our hearts remain as small as they've always been. Through us God can accomplish great things, but we need to be willing to "correct" our hearts, to make an effort, to change. Then eventually we'll be doing greater things than we could ever have imagined, filling up "the whole window," which is God's will for our lives.

Romans 8:12-14

28/29 December
Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. (Romans 12:2)

I think I've read that verse dozens of times before, but it took me until today for the real significance of it to sink in... I've been wondering a long time what God might want me to do with my life. I still don't know, but maybe I'm not supposed to know... Maybe God needs to prepare me first for whatever it may be. Changing the way you think means getting an attitude adjustment... Our behavior depends on what we're thinking. If we don't like someone we tend to be unfriendly to them. If we love someone it's usually the opposite. God wants to change the way we think so that we'll love everyone! "Changing the way we think" means changing our lifestyle. It means living the way God wants us to. That includes things like not gossiping, not hating, not cursing, not being rude, not doing things that are illegal (like driving over the speed-limit or copying CDs), basically it means not doing things that we know in our consciences to be wrong. (I still have a lot to learn in that department...) On the other hand it means: loving others, no matter how they treat us; being kind, trustworthy, patient, loyal; being honorable and sticking with our promises and commitments; being a servant. Yes, this is the part that non-Christians fear about Christianity. Being a Christian does mean being decent. Sadly decency isn't in style right now... But...

The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So don't live in darkness. Get rid of your evil deeds. Shed them like dirty clothes. Clothe yourselves with the armor of right living, as those who live in the light. (Romans 13:12)

Romans 12:21

30 December
I think I know what God wants me to do after YWAM. I only think I know though because I'm terrified... The job I'm considering is a job I used to say I would never, ever learn, because it's very challenging and time-consuming... I'm thinking about becoming a teacher. I've thought about it before, but because of the reasons I mentioned I never took it very seriously. I also know that several people I went to school with are most likely going to become teachers, and as silly as it sounds (and is), I don't want to be a copy-cat... (Yeah, I know that last thing is pretty stupid, but I can't help thinking it for some reason...) If I chose to do this I need to do it with determination. If I only make my decision half-heartedly I'll quit after two days... So I prayed that if this is God's will for my life that He'll fill me with peace, that He'll take away all my doubts. But if it isn't what He wants, then I would like Him to fill me with doubts and worries and unease, so that I'll know it's not what He wants. I'm not very good at making decisions, and this could be one of the biggest decisions in my life, so I want to be sure that it's God's will before I commit to something that I'm not sure I'm cut out for. And I'm not sure at all that it's what God wants right now, so I'm going to wait a few days and try to be open for God's voice. Who knows, maybe He'll have me doing something completely different...or maybe this is what He wants me to do... We'll see.

Psalm 119:33-40

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