LoveWithAMission.com - November 2006

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1 November
Today was the first evening of the Alpha course in our church. One thing that was discussed was, what is the point of life, why are we even here. We didn't really come up with any real answers; one woman said that maybe the point of life was to search for the point of life... It reminded me a bit of something I read once: "I think I think too much"... Sometimes we humans do tend to look too far for the right answers. One man asked whether it was really all that important to know the point of life, whether it was really necessary to know; you could also just live one day at a time and enjoy life. But even with that kind of life-style you need to ask yourself sometime, what happens when it's over? Death is like a horizon, before you go there you can't know what's over it, you can only believe. I believe that behind my horizon is an eternity with my Saviour. And my reason for living lies with God. He created me for some reason, so for me the only thing that makes sense is to find out what that reason is, and to try to live to fulfill His purpose for me. One guy in the course said that where he comes from people live for their goals, and when they've completed them they either set themselves new goals, or they just don't have a reason for living anymore. Other people think living for their family and friends is most important. My goal is eternity, and the One I'm living for is eternal, so I don't ever have to worry about losing my reason for living... Up until this summer my main focus was on finishing school. When I was finished I floundered a little bit, it was the first time in my life that everything was open, I had absolutely nothing planned. It was then that I started asking for God's guidance, and my life has become so full, it's amazing! It's still not certain what I'm going to be doing when I return from Hawaii next June, but I'm amazed at what God has accomplished in my life so far, and how He is guiding me.

Galatians 5:25

2 November
I'm slowly starting to realize how many people I am going to miss when I leave for Hawaii... Oh dear, if I'm already getting homesick now, how's it going to be when I'm really gone? At least I wont be going on my own... God is a great companion, He goes with you wherever you go, and you don't even need to buy Him a plane ticket! I told my boss at work today that I was quitting as of the 23rd of December. That made me start to think about actually leaving... Before when I had thought about it, I thought I would mostly miss my parents, and maybe my youth group. It's almost strange, if I don't do something, anything, with my Jugi (=youth group) at least once a week I just feel like something's missing... It's also funny because I'm not someone who says a whole lot, I don't interact all that much with my Jugi. Maybe instead of talking a lot I just feel a lot. I'm really going to miss them... And today I realized that they're not the only people I'm going to miss, I'm going to miss the people I work with, too... There's David, my hero, he wont let me carry anything heavy; there's Cecilia who calls everyone "Schatzi"; there's Dumitru who teases me; there are so many wonderful people who work with me, I feel amazingly blessed... I'm going to miss them all a great deal, and it's almost a bit worse with them than with my Jugi, because when I return from Hawaii I plan to continue going to Jugi, but I don't know whether I'll ever see those people again... Even if I did go back to work there, by then it could have changed completely, there's always people coming and going. At least I don't have any regrets about working there (though I did gain some weight...which I plan to lose again...) Though the work itself isn't always especially comfortable (I'm not going to miss the spilled coke or the stinky garbages), the people there make it special, and for them I'm very grateful. And you know, I don't think it's just something I can take for granted, I think God has blessed me. It's a little miracle that I get along with everyone there, and if it has anything to do with my own behavior, then it's only because God is really changing my heart and my attitude, it's not something I accomplished myself. God is good, and He really does bless His children...

2. Timothy 2:21

3 November
Yesterday I was already getting homesick, today I got an information package from YWAM and I want to start packing... :-) Anyway, we had Bible Study at our house today. It's really amazing how much you can learn from a simple verse just by reading it very carefully. I learned quite a few things, but two really stayed with me. One is that prayer shouldn't just be a few words that we say and then forget about, but an attitude we should have throughout the day. The other was that satan attacks us there where we are the weakest. He is very clever and knows exactly what our weaknesses are. I have three major weaknesses I can think of, where I believe the devil can and does attack me. One of them is, as silly as it may seem, food. I have a lot of trouble resisting food, whether it's at work (...) or at home. You may think this isn't really something very major, but actually, whenever you can never say no to something it's a kind of addiction. And I believe every form of addiction is bad. Another weakness of mine is romance. Imagination can be a great thing, but it can also drive you crazy... When I meet someone someday, I dream of it being like in all the novels I've read and the movies I've seen, eventhough I know that's not very realistic. My impatience doesn't help this problem in the least bit either... My third weakness is lazyness. Linked to it is also my lack of self-esteem and my fear of failure. I think these things have kept me from doing a whole lot of things that I could have done, but didn't. So, that means I'm going to be working on these three "problem-areas" in the near-future, together with God. I don't want satan to have any power over me.

Mark 4:21

4 November
We had the "Herbstfest" at our church today. (That's something we do every year; we sell different things like books, home-made jams and desserts, aloe vera plants, ... to raise money for some good cause.) Yesterday I wrote about working on conquering my weaknesses... Today I was tested in one of them, actually in two, and failed pretty miserably... (Those desserts were really, really good...) I think I know why. I hadn't actually asked God to help me, I didn't even think about it. I just trusted my own pitiful strength to keep me from giving in to temptation. It was actually quite arrogant of me to think that I could defy the devil on my own. He must laugh at our silly little attempts of standing up to him on our own...but he wouldn't laugh if the almighty God was standing there with us, holding us in His protective arms. So, I'm going to stop writing here and go have a talk with God...

Psalm 19:14

5 November
I've decided from now on, that is, from tomorrow on, not to write about my mental "guy troubles" anymore. I'd rather keep them to myself and I probably should have right from the beginning, but it's too late for that, so I'll just stop now. I nailed them to the cross of Jesus (no, not literally) this morning during the Lord's supper, and though I sometimes find myself pulling the nails back out, I've decided to let God be my match-maker. I can't control my thoughts though, not just yet anyway, and I'll probably still daydream a lot, but I wont let it control my actions. I am going to wait, and that's final. I want to grow in my faith, and not keep dancing around these little problems. Romance is a wonderful invention of God, one that I'm not quite ready for yet.

Romans 6:1-14

6 November
I just re-arranged my room...a lot... Ok, I didn't move all that many things, but I did have to move a very heavy bookshelf and take my bed apart to be able to put it where I have it now. The reason I did this was because some friends of ours are going to be coming to stay over Christmas, and since there are two beds in my room, one that has collapsable legs and that can be shoved under the other bed, they'll be staying there. The way my room was arranged before it was practically impossible (without a huge effort) to pull out that bed from under the other one, which is why I've re-arranged it. Ok, maybe I was more motivated by the fact that I was bored and wanted to change my room around again (some women tend to need to do that once in a while), and for at least a few days I'm going to enjoy sleeping on two beds... But I did learn a couple of things about how our attitude should be, generally. One is that it's not good to wait to the last minute to do things (eventhough almost two months in advance was maybe a bit earlier than necessary), something I really need to work on more, and the other is that we should care more about others than ourselves. For me it doesn't really make that much of a difference how my room is arranged, but for them it does because otherwise we'd have to find one more place for them to sleep. At home when we have guests we (should) try to make them feel as welcome as possible, and I think the same should be applied to our churches, our youth groups, our house groups, ... When we have visitors we should care more about them than ourselves, maybe even make some personal sacrifices, do things a little different than we otherwise would, so that they'll feel more comfortable. I think that sometimes we tend to center too much on ourselves, on how we feel and what we want. If, for example, we tried to make our church services more open for visitors, maybe we'd have fewer qualms about inviting our friends or our neighbors. And this doesn't just concern our church leaders, this concerns you and me. We're the ones that need to affect change; pointing our fingers at people isn't going to help one bit.

Luke 15:7

7 November
I just had a long discussion with my parents about different things in our church. I, and I think lot's of other people as well, long for a revival in our church. We have lot's of plans, including a complete restructure of our house groups, and me and my parents aren't exactly of the same opinion about some of those plans, but one thing my dad said that I think is very wise, is that the problem isn't in the way our church is structured. The problem is in ourselves, in every single person. He said that when he went to Africa (a long, long time ago...) he noticed something. The people there don't have some things that we have, and they do have somethings we don't have. They don't have any psychiatrists, but they do have actual real problems. We don't have any real problems here. We're not suffering from persecution or hunger or poverty. The problems we have are mostly within our own church. My father said that one huge problem we have in Christianity is that though we are all Christians by name, we may be religious, go to church on Sunday, maybe even talk a lot about our faith, we don't live it. He gave an example of someone who is almost allergic to anything to do with Christianity, because she works with someone who's a "Christian", and he apparently talks a whole lot and does a lot of preaching, but he doesn't live it. It made me wonder whether I really live Christianity or whether I just wear a necklace with a cross around my neck... I want God to have the first place in my life, but oh! how difficult that seems sometimes! I could point my finger at a whole bunch of people now whom I see make mistakes, but I don't want to, because I'm nowhere near perfect myself... I don't always live or behave the way I should as a Christian. Sometimes I still catch myself talking badly about someone, or thinking about someone in a way that I shouldn't be, or losing my temper or being unfriendly. God, please change me! Remove everything, everything that's hindering my relationship to You! All of my own desires and wishes, if they're not in Your will, then free me of them! Let me be free, Lord, free to follow You with all my heart.

Luke 14:25

8 November
Tonight was the second evening of the Alphacourse, and it was my dad's turn to do the input. He talked about Jesus, who He was. He gave us a cute little story to read about a little kid who wanted to give Jesus a birthday (=Christmas) gift. The boy offered to give Him his most prized possessions (=toys), but what Jesus wanted were his insufficiencies, all the things he had broken, and all his lies, his stubborness, his bad temper, all the things he'd done that weren't good. I don't know about you, but those are things I tend to hide, things I'd rather not show, even to God. But that's actually very naive, because He already knows about all those things. But He wont do anything about them unless we bring them to Him... So, just now, I simply prayed something like this: Jesus, I bring You my vanity, my stubborness, all my desires; my desire to be beautiful, to be adored, admired, envied, loved; my desire to be romanced; my desire to be special; I bring You all the times I've talked and thought badly about other people, all the times I looked down on others; I bring You my pride, my lazyness, my selfishness; I bring You all the times I've lost my temper; I bring You all the times I've flirted; I bring You all my broken promises; I bring You all the people I let down somehow; I bring You my struggles with food; I bring You my desire to be desired; I bring You my broken heart; I bring You my cowardice; ...etc. (Yes, the list is much, much longer...) And you know, the longer I continued, the more peaceful I felt! I've never been sorry for chosing to become a Christian, and I would never, ever want to spend even one moment without Jesus holding my hand.

Romans 13:13-14

9 November
Hello, I'm Aless and I'm a food addict. Hmm, I think that's more or less how it would sound in a self-help group or something like that... Anyway, my eating habits are really bad. It took me a year to lose a whole lot of weight and finally weigh as much so I felt comfortable, now in only a few weeks I've gained almost half of it back... Heard of the yo-yo effect? Well, I thought I had outsmarted it, but I guess I was wrong. But you know, today I think I realized why that happened. The things I relied on most were self-control and consistency, two things I'm actually very, very weak on... God wasn't really included in my struggle apart from a little prayer now and then. How foolish I was... One of the things the devil has no trouble at all in tempting me in, and I walked right into it, all on my own without any protection! I can imagine a few of you rolling your eyes now, food doesn't really appear like a very dangerous temptation, does it? But it can be dangerous, everything can, if it becomes unhealthy and/or too important... Besides, if I can't even manage to resist food, how on earth would I be able to resist more dangerous temptations, ones that compromise my faith? The answer is, I couldn't. I am not strong enough, I do not have enough self-control, I am weak and wavering. But you know what? I have God on my side! And with God on my side, who can be against me? God is almighty, and He is willing to, He even wants to help us overcome our weaknesses. He isn't repulsed by them like I am by myself sometimes, in the contrary, He wants us to bring exactly those weaknesses that we can't handle ourselves, that we think of as dirty or even repulsive, and He wants to lay His hand on those things and heal them. So, from now on everytime that I want to eat something that I shouldn't, I'm going to pray and ask for His strength, for His self-control and for His consistency.

Isaiah 1:18b-19a

10 November
Today I was supposed to work from 12 to 11pm, but towards the end I got really tired, so I was very glad when I could leave about one and a half hours earlier. In the trainstation later a guy came up to me and we talked for a few minutes, he'd seen me at McDonald's before, and, well... You know how in romance stories it's often about a "tall, dark stranger"? I don't find anything romantic about that, I think it's just plain scary. Don't get the wrong idea, he was very nice and all he asked for was my E-mail address (which I didn't give to him!), but still, it's a bit unsettling. And you know, it's really hard for a woman (at least for me) to say no to a guy, especially if they ask why or even start to almost beg a little... (No, he didn't beg or anything, but he did ask why...) I think that's how quite a few screwed up relationships started, because she didn't have the courage to say no... Girls, I encourage you to be firm and always, always say no when you don't feel comfortable or something goes too far, and definitely always if you don't know the person... Meeting someone over the internet is in-style now, but don't even consider it! I'm not trying to sound like your mother but like a sister, it's dangerous! It should always be no if you don't know the guy from somewhere, like work, school, church, etc. A complete stranger could be a great guy, but he could also be someone just looking for a one-night-stand. Will you sell yourself for that cheap? Anyway, hmm, I wasn't going to write about my guy troubles anymore, was I? Well, I'm not going to write about it if I fall in love with anyone or anything like that, but things like this I think are important. I've also been reading In the Shadow of the Almighty and I was surprised (and relieved) to read about Jim Elliot's descriptions of his own "romance troubles" that reminded me a great deal of my own... (Jim Elliot was a missionary in South America.) Sometimes you think you're the only person in the world that thinks the way you do, that no one else could possibly be as screwed up as yourself, but I guess that's not true. Everyone has problems, and since we're all human I guess the problems aren't all that different from one another as we tend to imagine. I didn't mention God in any of this yet... I thank God for giving me wonderful parents who brought me up in a way so that I understand that it's not alright to say yes to strangers, that they gave me good moral standards. I thank God for the conscience He gave me so that I can tell when things go too far. I thank God for giving me the courage to say no. I thank God for protecting me and not letting me be tempted so much that I wouldn't be able to resist.

1. Corinthians 3:16-17

11 November
I just made two lists, one including things that I require of my future husband, e.g. he has a relationship with God, he doesn't use foul language or curse, he can be a leader, he's romantic, etc., the other one is about what I require of myself. I want to dress modestly, use clean language, read the Bible regularly, practise singing, eat healthily, not flirt, look nice, help in my church, be content with myself, have a tender heart, love Christ above all, handle money well, be honest and have integrity. I think a trap we often fall into is that we focus a lot on what other people should be like, how we want them to treat us, judging all their little imperfections, when actually we're far from perfect ourselves... I think it was Jesus who once said that before you try to remove a piece of sand from someone elses eye you should first remove the log from your own eye... Not that I think it's wrong to make a list of things you want your future spouse to be, just the opposite! Our Jugi just spent the evening with a wonderful newlywed couple, and we looked at a sort of scrapbook about how they met and their wedding, and it contained lists like that that they both made (before they met each other, I think.) It was amazing, they both fitted each others descriptions perfectly! You don't need to make a list, but be careful whom you chose, you want to spend your whole life with that person until death do you part after all... But remember that that person may have a list, too, and it wont contain things like she should be lazy, she should be immodest, she should gorge herself with food, she should be selfish, she shouldn't like children, she should have a low self-esteem, ... God wants you to be all that you can be. He has an amazing, wonderful, exciting plan for your life, but you need to let Him work inside you, let Him change you, let Him mold you into the special person He's intended you to be.

Ephesians 3:17

12 November
It was made clear to me (by my mom) that sometimes it seems like the only things I ever write about here are guys and food...and that I mostly just write about my problems... That's not really what I want this site to be about and I'm sorry. This site should be about God, about all the wonderful things He shows and teaches me. I lost track of what is really important, and for that I'm sorry. Today I spent most of the afternoon and part of the evening cutting up pieces of material, then most of the rest of the evening trying to piece them together into a nice pattern to make a quilt. Silly me, when I first started working on it I thought that maybe I could finish it today, now I'll be happy if I can just finish the patchwork part within the next week... I think making a quilt can be compared to challenges that we face in life. Sometimes, or even usually, we tend to underestimate how much work it's going to take, and then, when we've worked on it for a little while, we realize how much work it's still going to take, and then we can either decide to give up or to continue. Sadly I think our society has a "I give up" mentality. If something isn't easy we automatically think it's too hard. Anyway, if you chose to give up you won't end up having anything except a few pieces of material cut into weird shapes. Not very useful, eh? But, if you continue, alright, it might take even more time than you could possibly have imagined (and your back might start to hurt), but oh! the satisfaction of having cut that last piece of material... But, then it's not done yet, and if you decide to quit now it will be an even bigger waste because your pile of oddly shaped material has now grown to quite a heap. The ones who keep on going though now have the daunting task of arranging all those scraps of material into some kind of pattern that looks appealing... Unless you have a special talent for it, it can be quite a job. But let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing when you can start to see a pattern, when you can start imagining how it will look like in the end... Then comes all the sowing and ironing and correcting and re-sowing and ironing and sowing ... But you know, that part seems to go quite fast because each time you sow something together you see the immediate results, and it keeps getting bigger and bigger until it's finished. Then, when you're done, the only thing left to do is to start working on the next quilt... That's how challenges are: they may seem easy at first, but pretty quickly they turn out not to be, but if you continue...they'll continue being hard, but eventually you'll start seeing results, and eventually, when you're finished, you'll end up with something so great you'll want to move on to the next challenge. Of course this'll only work if these are challenges set by God. He does challenge us sometimes, and when He calls us we can either decide not to listen if we think it's too hard for us, or we can trust God's judgment that He doesn't give us tasks we can't handle, and go on ahead and follow His will. I think once you overcome your fears and really live for God, you won't want to go back, you'll want to continue and keep doing more for Him. I know I do, though I'm still apprehensive about some things. Actually we don't even need courage, we just need to rely on Him...

Psalm 28:7

13 November
I watched a movie with my mom tonight called Tea with Mussolini. It's about a bunch of English ladies who lived in Italy during the time when the fascists started to gain power, including the Second World War when Mussolini declared war on England and France and all those brave English women were taken into custody. Before the States declared war, too, a very rich American woman, Elsa, arranged for all those ladies in custody to be taken into a hotel instead of living in an ugly old building with the police. Two things were very special about this, one is that Elsa didn't tell them that she was the one paying for the hotel bills, the other is that she didn't even get along well with those women, one of them in particular was always very mean to her, but she wanted to help them anyway. I don't know about you, but the idea of giving a lot of money for someone I don't like at all...doesn't seem natural, does it? Christmas is coming up, and in our society that's a time for...presents! ;-) Ok, it's not the most important thing, but giving gifts is, I think, a nice tradition. I usually give gifts to my parents and a few of my friends. Now, can you imagine giving a present to the person who dislikes you the most? Or whom you dislike? Hmm, it's a bit embarrasing, but I can't think of anyone whom I dislike, and I don't know if anyone really dislikes me (and I wouldn't want to know if someone did...) I can think of a few though from when I still went to primary school, (whom I didn't like very much either,) and the idea of giving them presents, (not at their birthday parties,) seems ridiculous. Prejudice, envy, jealousy, pride, dislike, ... All these things that keep people from getting along. Did you know that all these things are sins? The Bible say that though we may not be able to make people like us and we can't always stop people from hating us, we shouldn't react in the same way... Even when people make fun of us, sneer at us, put us down or simply shun us, we should still meet them with kindness, acceptance and love. We can't change what people think of us, but we can control how we behave. And, with God's help, we can turn our own feelings of hatred into love. This is one thing I think we can't do by ourselves, only God can change our hearts. What we can do is let Him into our hearts and give Him total control. Because only then will He start to change us. I'm still working on the "total control" part, but I'm getting there, though I may be taking itty bitty baby steps at a time, but thank goodness God is patient and is leading me in the right direction.

Matthew 7:12a

14 November
In August I got rid of quite a lot of movies that weren't "clean", which (for me) means they had unclean things in them, e.g. sex scenes. Today I went through all my books and sorted all the ones out that fell into that criteria. Gosh that was hard! Especially books I really like, for instance Bridget Jones's Diary or Scarlett, the sequel to Gone With The Wind (I kept Gone With The Wind...), and lot's of other cheap romance novels that I love to read... I was reading one of those and I suddenly started having doubts... Is it really alright that I'm reading this? And the answer was no. God brought me to a crossroad. He said: Either keep these books, and all the things that you know aren't good, or give them up and follow me. And I want to follow God. That's the only option for me. But, in order for Him to really use me, I need to give up all of the unclean things I posses, including my "unclean" habits (= selfishness, greed, lazyness, indifference, jealousy, ...) I'm still working on some of my habits, but in the meantime I can at least clean up my lifestyle by getting rid of some things that definitely don't honor God. I shouldn't posses anything that in any way contradicts my faith. I can't be a Christian and at the same time continue living as an unbeliever. I can't just be a Christian on Sunday. To be a Christian means to be a Christian every single day, in every aspect of your life, be it at work, how you treat your coworkers, be it at home, your hobbies, you should also be a Christian when it comes to your behavior towards others, and how you think and react. You can't be a Christian and at the same time commit adultery, or lie, or disrespect your parents, or be jealous of someone. I'm not saying that when you do those things you can't come to God and ask for His forgiveness, of course you can, that's the best thing you can do! But, if you continue living a sinful lifestyle with a nonchalant attitude that God will forgive you anyway, then you're not a Christian. Even if our liberal churches want to convince us otherwise. You cannot be a Christian and at the same time live a sinful life. It doesn't work. There are no grey areas when it comes to Christianity, either you're on one side or the other. It's not about living a sin-free life, we're human, that's probably not even possible for us, but we should try to live in a way so that we honor God. He doesn't deserve any less. And that includes getting rid of unclean books...

Romans 6

15 November
I am overwhelmingly happy... Want to know why? Ok, tonight we had Alphacourse again, and it was about Jesus, why He died on the cross. He died on the cross for our sins. We talked about what "sin" is afterwards in the discussion, and there were lots of different opinions, but two things had an effect me. One is that sin doesn't just start when we hate someone, it's starts earlier, when we dislike or dispise someone, or when we're condescending towards someone, when we think we are better than they are, for whatever reasons. I have trouble with that. Not that I dispise someone, I don't know if there's even anyone I dislike, but sometimes, or even quite often, I do tend to think I'm better than other people... Be it because I think I'm a good Christian, or because I can do something well, ... The other thing that brought me back down to earth is that I am a sinner. I am a sinner. Even if I live a good life, am nice, likeable, don't do anything "bad" like hate, lie, murder, etc. I am a sinner in need of forgiveness. When I came home I prayed like I haven't prayed in a long time. For the first time in too long a time I was really sorry for my sins. I realized that without Jesus I could never, ever stand before God's throne. Without Him I am nothing. I am not worthy to stand before God. I am unclean, the lowliest of sinners. Only with Jesus can I come to God. I also realized that I haven't had a very close relationship to Jesus. Sure, I've tried to live the way I thought He wanted me to, but I did not really have a relationship with Him. I didn't even really know what it meant or how it worked... I still don't know exactly, but I told Him that eventhough I'm completely clueless, I know that He can make it possible anyway, and that I wanted Him close to me every single moment of every day. And now, oh! how giddy and happy I feel! Tonight I received God's forgiveness and Jesus entered my life again. What a special day it has been...

Matthew 6:25-26

16 November
I wanted to to stay in constant contact with Jesus today, to let Him guide my actions, and, umm, well, I didn't do very well... This week at work we have hamburgers on sale for 1.- (the whole week...) and during rush hour there were sooooo many people who came and just ordered hamburgers...and you can't just push a button and voil?! you've got however many you need, no, they are all made by actual people, not roboters, and people can only work so fast, so...at one point all of us who were working at the cash register were just waiting in a little half-circle for the hamburgers to arrive... In the meantime the french fries went off (because no one bought any), mistakes happened like hamburgers without meat (...), and the people waiting in line started to become impatient because they had to wait so long... Well, this led to me becoming a bit snappy and my smile becoming a bit forced... Ok, this isn't really anything very extreme, but it still wasn't good and not what I want to be like... And then another thing... I finished work at about the same time as one of my coworkers, and in the changing room we talked for a while, and somehow we came to talk about wars in Vietnam (that's where she's originally from), and, of course, about the Vietnam war, and that led to the war in Iraq and the current President of the US... I think I almost yelled at her... I am so allergic to this topic that I automatically get defensive whenever it's brought up... I don't want to be like this! Please, dear Lord, please change me... Let me be even-tempered, patient and full of love, no matter what the circumstances are.
By the way, yesterday I wrote about only being able to stand before God with Jesus. I had a picture in my mind that illustrates this in a way... Imagine a child, a very poor and dirty little child. A little girl or boy clothed in rags and completely filthy. Now, can you imagine a child like this being allowed to go inside a castle? The guards at the gates would never allow a child like this inside. But what if a prince would come out of the castle, open the gates, take this little child by the hand, and lead it inside, straight to the throne of the king? This is exactly what happened! Jesus (=the prince) took me by the hand, me, the filthy, unclean and unworthy child, and led me to God... He can do the same for you, all you have to do is ask...

1. Corinthians 13:1

17 November
The train was a quarter of an hour late when I wanted to go home this evening and it made me start to think about patience... I think to be patient doesn't necessarily describe something that you are, but something that you do. I don't think anyone is born patient, though maybe for some people it's easier than others, it's just something we all have to learn. I think patience means waiting for something you'd like to already have now, or you want to happen now, without getting upset about having to wait. It can also be having to explain something several times without becoming rude. So it's about ones temper. At work today we had a...let's say, not very nice customer... She wasn't at my cash register thank goodness, but at Maria's. Apparently Maria misunderstood her when she ordered (at least that's what she said, very loudly and very, very rudely, so that everyone else who was waiting in line could hear...) I don't know how she felt when that happened, I probably would have had quite a hard time trying to be polite to all the other customers, but it didn't seem to bother her and she was just as nice to her customers as she had been before. I admire her for not losing her temper. I probably would have... That's not what God would have wanted though... Jesus never, ever lost His temper. Even when people treated Him badly, when He was made fun of or when He had to explain things several times to His disciples. I can't control my temper on my own, but I think that being even-tempered is a fruit you eventually (should) have when the Holy Spirit lives in you. It doesn't just happen though, it takes an effort, just like being patient...

Galatians 6:8

18 November
I was very restless up until a little while ago. I couldn't figure out why, and suddenly I started thinking about my future. In January I plan to go to Hawaii to do the Discipleship Training School, but after that..? I read in the Bible but that didn't help. I started to write down a few possibilities of what I could do, but apart from DTS, every single thing just had a big question-mark written behind it... So I just sat down by my window and waited for God to tell me something, anything. I had took it for granted before that after Hawaii I would come back home and learn some kind of profession. But suddenly I was unsure, I had never really asked God if that was what He wanted... What if He wants me to serve Him full-time? What if my service isn't even supposed to be at home, in Switzerland, but abroad? What if, maybe, I'm supposed to stay on in Hawaii and work for Youth With A Mission? What if the answer to my future lies there? As soon as I thought that my unease was gone! I'm not 100% sure yet, I need to discuss it with my parents first and pray about it earnestly, and I also want to fast over it. To be honest I have some doubts; I can't imagine how God could possibly accomplish anything through me, but through God all things are possible, so, who knows... If it's what God wants me to do, then it's also what I want to do.

Proverbs 3:5-6

19 November
Hmm, my head is so full of stuff I hardly know what to write about... Did you know that my life has become ever so much more exciting since I've started working on my relationship with God? It's only been a few months, but I already feel like a completely different person... Not that I think I'm perfect! Far from it... But through me God has already been able to do a few things. He managed to get someone to join the Alphacourse, He (finally) got our Jugi-band started, He had this website made which, who knows, maybe in time will help someone somehow, and, wonder of wonders, He has managed to change my heart... I can't even describe the unbelievable joy and the feeling of being filled up with His Holy Spirit! I don't want to show off at all; if you've read through these pages a little bit you'll know I still struggle with sin, but just imagine, if God can accomplish something through me, what great things could He do through you? He has a miraculous plan for your life. If you ask Him to guide you and if you obey His will, you will live life to the fullest, which is what all of us want deep within, isn't it? He doesn't want you to live an ordinary boring life! If you follow Him, He will ask you to do some things that are hard, but if you say Lord, Your will is my will, then He'll give you the strength you need. In January I'll be starting the Discipleship Training School and I'm terrified of the Outreach-phase where I'll actually have to go up to people and share my faith with them, but at the same time I'm excited because this is a desire that God has laid into my heart, I want to share my faith with others! So I'll simply trust God that He'll give me the right words to say at the right time. That's all I can do. I belive that God can do truly amazing things through me, as well as you, whoever you may be.

Ephesians 2:10

20 November
I watched Anna and the King tonight. It's about an English school teacher and a Siamese king. It's a beautiful story, but sadly it has no happy ending. I really, really don't like sad endings... I think the reason I can hardly stand it when movies don't end the way I'd like them to is because I think the same way about life. I can't bear the thought that somewhere in my life I'll have an "unhappy ending", and I'm not talking about when I die. It's whenever I want something and don't get it. The truth is that in life there are no "endings" at all, not until we die. God may not give you something you think is exactly the right thing for you, and eventhough you may think this is the end of the world, He actually has something even better in mind for you... Movies only show one part of life, but when a movie is over the story isn't finished. When you put your life into God's hands it's exactly like that; we have to give up our sinful natures, but in return we gain eternal life! We may have to give up some other things, too, but God promises to give us much, much more, and He'll even help us in the process of letting go.

Psalm 94:18-19

21 November
Since I tend to do things at the last minute I decided to start packing today. ...ok, it doesn't have anything whatsoever to do with foresight, I just couldn't bear waiting any longer. (I'm leaving in January...) Anyway, I got the suitcase out of the cellar and started sorting out books and clothes that I want to take. I had to laugh at myself... The books alone filled about one fourth of the suitcase...I'm not sure I would even have managed to squish all of the clothes I wanted to take into it at all...certainly not if I had to pack a sleeping bag, a towel, bathroom "stuff" (e.g. shampoo, shower gel, etc.), and all my other female stuff like make-up and styling mousse into it as well... Why is it that I always tend to take way too much stuff with me when I travel? I love to travel, but lugging my stuff around usually almost breakes my back... You'd think that I would have learned from all the times I had to sit on my suitcase to even close it, but no, I'm still as stupid as ever in that respect. But that's going to change. (It has to, there's a weight limit to the luggage now...) So of course I had to sort a whole bunch of stuff out. I realized I have way too many clothes, and not just in my suitcase... You know, I think I have enough tops that I could probably wear a different one per day for a whole month, maybe even two... I have trousers I don't even wear, as well as too many shirts and pyjamas... I wonder, does it have something to do with greed? Or is it the incapability to give things up? I have tons of huge pullovers that I love (including several from New York, Paris and Texas, and one from Austria, ...) that I hardly ever wear... The same goes for my books... I have tons of books that I've either already read at least once and love, or books I plan to read (but don't ask me when...) I also have quite a lot of junk in my desk and in my wardrobe that I can't seem to let go of, as well as a whole bunch of stuffed animals... So, tomorrow, with God's help, I'm going to "de-junk" my room. There's nothing wrong with being rich or having lot's of things, except that it distracts from what's really important and can keep us from becoming who we're supposed to be. If God wants us to work for Him full time, whether it's in the mission field or in our home church, we'll have to manage with less money and fewer luxuries. Jesus once said that it's as hard for a rich man (or woman) to get into heaven as it is for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. Without God it's impossible... The more things we posses the more we cling to them, and the more we lose sight of God. I really don't need such an overstuffed wardrobe, but maybe if I give some of them to a good-will foundation those clothes will serve someone in a poorer country who can't afford as many as I can...

Luke 12:34

22 November
When I came home tonight after Alphacourse my head was happily full of different things. Then I heard from my mother that Ruth Kipfer, a dear old lady from our house-group, was dead. She had been brought to the hospital a while ago and died with her whole family around her. Suddenly I seemed to lose all orientation. My mind is now muddled with feelings of guilt for not visiting her in the hospital, regret for not talking to her more often and mostly sadness. Then I wonder whether I shouldn't be happy for her because she's with God now... I'm confused and don't know what to think, so what do you do in those situations? You keep yourself busy... I "de-junked" my room this afternoon (there's a huge pile of clothes and other stuff on the sofa, as well a well-sized heap of books on the kitchen table now...I did manage to let go of Gone With The Wind this time...), but I left my room in a huge mess when I left home, so cleaning up my room provided an excellent distraction. Now that's finished though... She was a very special woman; she was kind to everyone, made the most delicious cake you've ever had, and, most importantly, was strong in her faith. She's been in our house-group and our church for as long as I can remember... I still can't get my head to think straight, but I think the best thing is to turn to God... I can ask Him for peace, as well as to comfort her husband, her family and her friends. When someone dies you realize how precious life is, at least it can be when you live by God's will... I think she followed God's will in her life, and I think she touched a lot of people along the way. I hope people will be able to say the same thing about me when I die... Life is short; don't waste it on sin...

Romans 8:39

23/24 November
If you think I didn't write yesterday because maybe I got home really late and was too tired...you'd be absolutely right, but the real reason was something else. I noticed that I was spending more time thinking about what I should write here than praying...no, that's not quite right... In the evenings I would think ok, what can I write today and I would go and pray and ask God show me something, teach me something, anything basically, just so I'd be able to write about it... I had two things screwed up, one was the point of this website which is simply to just tell you, whoever you are, honestly about my faith, the other was the growth of my faith which was based on a wrong motivation... I'm working on that though, and I know for sure now that I want to grow in my faith, not for the sake of this site or what people think of me, but for the sake of Jesus.
Anyway, to talk about something else, I thought about my future profession on the way to work today, and I do think that I should learn one, though maybe not just yet, and one idea I had surprised me a bit... Whatever job I learn I want it to be something useful, something that needs to be done, something where I won't have to start asking myself why am I dong this? And one of the few jobs I can actually imagine myself doing (sort of) that seems like a necessary job to me is teaching. I can just imagine my mom laughing now...this is one of the things I used to say I would never do, I didn't know what I would do, just not teach... I don't know yet if this is what God wants me to do, but still, I guess you should never say never...

1. Peter 2:2-3

25 November
Why are we Christians so lukewarm?! It's like we've let the fire that once burned in our hearts be reduced to a few glowing coals... Why aren't we motivated to evangelize? Why are we still ruled by sin? Why do we let everyday things become more important than God? For Him there are no grey zones, you're either for Him or against Him, and if you're not for Him, if you haven't given 100% of your heart to Him, then you're against Him... We don't have very high moral standards anymore, using swear-words is something normal, even in our church! We don't let God have the first place in our lives, we don't live to honor Him; we live for ourselves, for our own desires. We don't even ask God anymore what He wants, we just live however we want to. I don't want to be lukewarm!!

Dear Father, I'm sorry that I've been a lukewarm Christian. I'm sorry that You haven't been the first priority in my life. I'm sorry that I've still let sin dominate me. Please forgive me... Please change me... Let me know whenever I'm being lukewarm. I want You to have a place in every situation in my life, every day, every moment. Lord, Your will is my desire, please reveal it to me. I'm slow though, so please keep on revealing it to me until I understand it... Thank You for your patience and mercy. Teach me, guide me, point me in the right direction, so that I may become more and more like You... I love You Jesus. Thank You for loving me, too.

James 4:1-10

26 November
Todays sermon was about the love of Christ. Thomas Luz said that one thing that is important to be able to understand His great love, is to let Him have room in every corner of our lives. He compared our hearts to houses with rooms and furniture; when we keep some doors locked, when we don't let Him live in our whole heart, we feel that something isn't right. He'd like to have access to all of it, including messy rooms we haven't cleaned up yet, or rooms we haven't dusted in a while; He wont point His finger at those things and tell us how badly we've messed up, but He'll help us with the cleaning up and rooming stuff out that needs to be moved out. Another example Thomas gave was a dirty glass... He showed us a bottle of a multi-vitamin drink (e.g. God's love) and a really yucky glass that still had leftovers from someone's chocolate drink in it (e.g. our hearts...) We wouldn't pour anything into a glass that dirty, we'd want to wash it out and clean it before we drank anything else out of it, and it should be the same with our hearts. Every time we sin our "glass" get a bit dirtier, and the longer we wait to "clean" it, the dirtier it gets and the harder it gets to clean... God wants us to have pure hearts because only then can He really live in us. So, every time our glass gets a lil dirty we should go straight to God and ask Him to clean it for us, that means asking Him to forgive us, and also apologizing for getting the glass dirty... Thomas wrote an illustration for the glass-example:

What God takes, He empties.
What He empties, He cleans.
What God cleans, He fills.
What He fills, He uses!

I want God to be able to use me; if He can't, then what's the point of my even being alive?

1. John 2:1-17

27 November
Today was the "Zibelemaerit" in Berne, I think it could be translated as "Onion festival" or something like that. Anyway, most people get the day off (except of course the sales-people and the ones working in restaurants...), so the city was very crowded and literally covered in confetti. And our McDonald's was crowded with lot's of very hyper people... The ones working in the lobby couldn't keep up, there were so many people, and it wasn't necessarily that there were a whole lot of people standing in line at one point, but there seemed to be people standing in line all the time... Not always a lot of people, but always someone... I worked over lunch time and also in the evening, and, umm, it was interesting to see how the floors seemed to get dirtier and dirtier all the time... We couldn't mop because of the confetti and cleaning up all the confetti would have been impossible. So we were under a whole lot of stress, the french-fry machine started acting up at one point, I spilled coke (yes, I spilled it, not someone else for a change...), in the evening my feet hurt from standing up so long, and after a few difficult customers my patience was worn a little thin... Yay, I just realized I just wrote down a bunch of excuses... I wasn't especially friendly to several of my customers, and when I went on my break I just left without telling the people standing in line that my cash-register was closed. It would have been the right thing to do, but, oh, how I hate it when they groan or complain or roll their eyes... I just can't stand it, but I should have anyway because I think some people thought I would be coming back and waited... I felt really bad later, and when I realized how unfriendly I had been behaving I prayed. And you know, I didn't get easier customers (in the contrary...), but I had a good time with the other girl working with me at the cash-register and He (God) gave me strength to endure, because without His help I think I would have just wanted to give up or at the very least I would have been very grumpy... Anyway, all in all it was a good day. It was actually the first time I've ever been to the Zibelemaerit, eventhough it's every year and I've lived here all my life... It's really fun, though maybe slightly crazy... (The food is great though ;-))

Psalm 27:8

28 November
So tired... Anyway, I could write about a whole lot of stuff today, for one thing Ruth's funeral was today, and in the evening we had house-group. But I read something in my devotional bible that touched me and will hopefully affect me, too... It was about Jesus, about His gentleness and humility. Humility! Jesus of all people would have had so many things He could have bragged about, He's the Son of God after all, but He didn't. And he was gentle... (This includes being kind and full of love.) The jews thought that their messiah would be a great king and conqueror, that he would stand up for them and save them for the romans. Those are actually things that He did, but not quite... He is a great king, He conquered sin and He can save them (and us!) from eternal damnation. But He was never violent. He didn't use force, He used love. Lot's of people think that gentleness goes hand in hand with weakness, but that's not true. Jesus could have called upon all the angels to help Him, He could have used force, Jesus was strong, but He controlled His strength. He was treated badly, He was beaten, He was crucified, He was cursed, He would have had so many reasons to lose His temper, but He never did. I'm not gentle. (I don't mean physically...) I'm very honest, and sometimes I think I might be a little too honest... Not that being honest is bad! But, well, there are different ways of saying things, for example you could tell someone you look stupid, or you could say maybe that neon-green sweater isn't exactly your color, you know what I mean? I think I might have hurt some people's feelings when I actually could have said things in a gentler way. I also thought that somehow I needed to stand up and fight for my faith, that evangelizing would be in a way a war, and I'm not talking about a spiritual war... How silly I was... I think evangelizing has to do with caring for people so much that you want them to share in the wonderful gift God has given you. And maybe approaching people in a kind and also a gentle way, with love, will have a greater effect than trying to fight your way through to people... Yes, I want to work on being gentler and more like Jesus.

Galatians 2:20

29 November
We had Alphacourse tonight, and in the discussion we came to talk about some of the people's smoking habits. Actually it was about how God can change us, our character, and one man thought that it had more to do with your own will rather than God's, that it just takes enough will to change. But what about smoking? One person has tried to quit fifteen times and hasn't suceeded. Then someone suggested that he should pray instead of smoke... And the person who suggested this isn't a Christian! Now, if someone who isn't a Christian can have an idea like that, shouldn't this be obvious to everyone who is already a Christian? There are so many things I struggle with, but sadly most of the time I don't even think about prayer... Several people gave very touching testimonies about how God changed them, but every single one of them did need to perform an act of will, they needed the will to ask God for help... He can and always will help when we ask Him. (But we have to ask!) He will help you quit smoking, He will help you quit drinking, He will help you quit taking drugs...but there are other things we sometimes need help with, things we also can't change on our own. Maybe we talk about people behind their backs, maybe we have a low self-esteem, maybe we have "gods" in our lives, such as sports, our looks, clothes, money, our cell phone, ..., maybe we struggle with pride, maybe we have bad eating habits... Yes, this isn't the first time I've mentioned that particular problem of mine. I get a Christian teen-girl magazine once a month from the States called Brio, and I read through it when I came home tonight, and there was a (true) story there about a girl who had bulimia. I don't have that sickness, but lot's of things there sounded so familiar, like feeling guilty after every time I eat too much... The girl in the story said that throwing up was easier than exercising or eating less, and that's very true, sometimes when I eat too much I wish I could just go and get it all out again, but I can't, I really can't, I know, I've tried... This is the first time I've realized though that my eating habits are sinful... When I eat way too much (and very unhealthily) I'm actually violating my own body, God's temple... I don't think doing that now and then is bad, like at Christmas or Thanksgiving, but if it's an everyday habit... (It also has to do with greed which is also a sin...) Then I read another article in Brio though, and it was about oral sex. I just take it for granted that oral sex is a sin, as well as petting and maybe even very intimate kissing, outside of marriage that is! But maybe that's not obvious to everyone... In a way these things are all addictions as well, once we've done these things, even just once, it's very hard not to continue doing them... But there's hope! God is able and so willing to help us! All we need to do is ask... All I need to do is ask...

Romans 3:22

30 November
I was challenged tonight when I read in my Bible... I read the part (in the gospel of Luke) where Jesus is twelve and He stays behind in Jerusalem when His parents head on home. Then Mary and Joseph suddenly realize that He didn't leave with them and search in every place they can think of (for three days!) until they find Him in the Temple.

His parents didn't know what to think. "Son!" his mother said to him. "Why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been frantic, searching for you everywhere." "But why did you need to search?" he asked. "You should have known that I would be in my Father's house." (Luke 2:48-49)

Jesus loved His parents. At the age of twelve they were probably the most important people in His life! Yet God was more important to Him... It was probably hard to hurt His parents like that, but He knew that He belonged in His Father's house. His relationship with His Heavenly Father was more important than the one to His earthly parents. Later I came to the part where Jesus tells Peter where to go fishing and miraculously they catch so much to bring two boats to the verge of sinking!

When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, "Oh, Lord, please leave me - I'm too much of a sinner to be around you." For he was awestruck by the size of their catch, as were the others with him. His partners, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, were also amazed. Jesus replied to Simon, "Don't be afraid! From now on you'll be fishing for people!" And as soon as they landed, they left everything and followed Jesus. (Luke 5:8-11)

...they left everything and followed Jesus. They left EVERYTHING and followed Jesus! They left their homes, their families, their jobs, their hobbies, their friends, their pets, their possessions, ...absolutely everything to follow Jesus. It made me think about my life, my future. I've been thinking about what I should do after YWAM, and had a couple of rough ideas of what I could do, but I think God showed me today that it's a crossroad. I can either chose to leave everything and follow Jesus, that would be the harder, scarier path, or I could take the easier path and live a comfortable, passive Christian life. I could come home afterwards, go to university, maybe become a teacher, start earning money, eventually get my own appartment, buy a puppy, get involved in my church more, maybe eventually meet someone, etc. Or I could blindly follow Jesus into the dark unknown world, maybe suffer rejection, even persecution... I wouldn't be writing about this if I hadn't already chosen to blindly follow Jesus, but I did have doubts... I think most everybody would prefer a comfortable life to possible persecution, and I'm terrified... Leaving home to do a descipleship training school for five months already seems huge to me, but that's nothing compared to my entire life! But you know, my life wouldn't be worth living if I didn't give all of it to Him. I'm not trying to impress anyone, I'm not anywhere near close to being a saint or understanding exactly what it is God wants me to do, but Jesus gave His life for us, and in return we should give our lives to Him...

Luke 2:34b

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