LoveWithAMission.com - October 2006

Click here to go back | Klicke hier um zurückzugehen

1 October
I'm writing this earlier in the day than I usually do for the simple reason that I have quite a few things I want to say. (So be prepared that this text might be a bit long...) Yesterday I wrote about losing my temper when a couple of people started discussing politics which is something I hate. Yesterday before I went to bed I had a long talk with my father (that is, he mostly talked and I listened), and he showed me that my whole attitude is wrong. When people start discussing things I don't want to talk about, I shouldn't just run away. My dad told me that when someone (who has very different opinions than yourself) asks you about your view on something, you should just state your opinion and if necessary your reasons for having that opinion, clear and short, then just stay silent. If they start attacking you or arguing, just stay silent. Otherwise you'll end up quarreling, and as it says in Proverbs 20:3, only fools insist on quarreling. Running away when people think differently than you is wrong. I need to learn to stand up for what I believe in, even when it comes to politics.

What I learned today is that I am not perfect, I cannot be perfect and trying to be perfect drives me nuts. I can't always say the right thing, do the right thing, behave the right way. I have the tendency to worry about what other people think of me, and it's driving me nuts, too. I can't dress in a way that it will please everyone, it's not possible. So I'll just wear what I like as long as it's modest. I also try to hard to be likeable, and it makes me feel dirty. It's like my priorities are all upside down. Instead of thinking and caring about the person I'm talking to, I'm trying to be nice so that that person will think I'm nice. It's disgusting... Instead of concentrating on God during worship, I wondered whether my voice sounded nice or whether I was singing wrong. Gaah! I don't remember where it's written in the Bible, but I remember reading that it's better to worship alone in a closed room where no one can see you, not like the pharisees who would pray loudly in the city where everyone could see and hear them. They weren't really praying, they were just trying to show how religious they were. I don't want to do that. So maybe it's good that I wont be in the worship team for too much longer. So from now on I'll just try to be myself, not a wannabe perfect person who'll never exist. Instead of trying to be perfect I want to try to be like Jesus. Not everyone liked Him either, and He didn't worry about that. He followed God's laws and obeyed God's will. That's all that matters.

I'm not finished yet... ;-) Another thing I don't want to do anymore is worry. I worry about what people think of me, I worry about hurting people's feelings, I worry about finding my futur husband, I worry about gaining weight, I worry about not sharing my faith, I worry about how I look, in short, I worry about everything. And it's so annoying... So, I'm going to lay all of my worries into God's hands and pray for His guidance in my life. If I let God guide me I wont need to worry about anything because everything will happen as He wants it to, and that's the way it should be. As it says in Philippians 4:6-7: Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

2 October
I have a few things to learn about unconditional love... Several of my customers annoyed me at work today. For some reason almost no one seems to realize that the code you need to know to be able to use the bathroom is on the receipt. Then someone spilled Sprite on the stairs (that I had just mopped) so they had to be mopped again, and, because they were still quite wet, after about ten minutes they were full of footprints. So someone else had to mop the floors, again... Then when people order, most people don't know what they want to drink or what size menu that they want... I'm laughing at myself right now... Putting these things into words shows me how ridiculously unimportant these things are and how ridiculous it is that I get annoyed at them... It really is unusual that you need a code to be able to use the bathroom, and it's not obvious that the code is written on the receipt. The woman who spilled her drink didn't do it on purpose, and she apologized for it. The people who walked over the wet floor had no idea they'd leave footprints like that. It doesn't really matter that some of the customers don't know exactly what they want when they order; that's one of our jobs, to help them decide what they want to eat (and drink). So, next time something at work annoys me, I'll just think for a second whether it's really something worth getting annoyed about. Unless the restaurant burns down or something, it probably wont be worth the trouble. Besides, Jesus loved everyone, even tax collectors (!), so being friendly to the people who don't throw away their own garbage shouldn't be such a big deal for me.

1. Timothy 5:1-2

3 October
I wrote on Sunday that during worship I couldn't concentrate on God but mostly thought about how I was singing. I think I need to rethink my whole attitude towards worship... I should concentrate on the quality of my singing, God doesn't deserve anything less than my best. But I should try to sing as well as I can for God's glory, not to show off. I have a cassette that I love. It's titled He Is My Defense and the singer's name is Marty Goetz. I dug it out when I got my drivers license to listen when I'm driving because none of our cars have CD players. No other music has ever touched me as much as this. The lyrics are wonderful and the music...so beautiful... This music truly honors God. I want to make music like that. But I can only do that if I do my best and put my heart into it. It won't honor God if I only do half a job, or if I only worry about what others will think of me. I want to worship the Lord with all my heart and with the best of my abilities. Which means I'm going to start practising singing again. My main subject (Schwerpunktfach) in Gymnasium was music, and for three years I had one singing lesson per week, but since I've finished school this summer I haven't practised anymore. I used to practise so that I would get a good grade. Now I want to practise to bring honor to God. God gave us abilities and talents and if we don't use them, if we don't practise to become better, if we don't do our best, we dishonor God. We can never, ever give God all He deserves, but should give Him as much as we can. That's the least we can do. I want to show Him how much I love Him by doing my best in all I do, including singing.

Romans 12:11-12

4 October
Today I met a friend of mine after work and we talked for quite a long time. It's wonderful to have a friend you can talk to about everything, also about annoying habits, and we found out that both of us, and probably lot's of other women as well, have trouble with daydreaming. Maybe "trouble" isn't exactly the right word, but it certainly uses up a lot of time and in the end doesn't get you anywhere. I don't want to dream my life away. I want to live it! Ok, both of us are women and around the same age, so of course we talked about guys as well. Mainly about our troubles with guys... When and if I meet someone someday, I want him to be strong and reliable, not someone who daydreams all day and never gets anything done. Well, shouldn't he have the right to ask the same of me? That I should be strong (ok, maybe not physically...) and reliable, and do something with my life instead of waiting for something to happen? I don't want to just wait around for someone to come along, that is, I do want to wait for him if there is someone for me, and not chose the wrong someone, but while I'm waiting I want to get something done, not just waste my time dreaming about how it might be someday... I want to study the Bible, I want to practise singing, I want to write songs, I want to go out with friends, I want to evangelize, (alright, I don't actually want to evangelize, but I want to want to, if that makes any sense...), I want to put my heart into everything I do and not do half-hearted or only half-finished things, I want to search for the Lord with all my heart and see things through His eyes, I want to get to know Him better every day and follow His will for my life, not my own, I want to love the Lord with all my heart, not just with half of it.

Ephesians 4:30

5 October
Yay, I actually got something done today! I worked until late afternoon, then I went shopping, (I don't think I ever want to go shopping without a car again...it's too much work having to carry all of it home...), then, though this probably doesn't count as "getting something done", I watched an old John Wayne movie and ate too much pizza, then I did the dishes, then I (finally) cleaned my room up, the laundry is in the washing machine right now, and I also found time to read in my Bible. As soon as I've finished writing this I'm going to spend some more time with God. I noticed today that I keep letting other things get more important to me than God. As you might have noticed, I'm always in danger of falling into the habit of daydreaming. This isn't necessarily bad, but it is as soon as it becomes more important than God. I want God to dominate my life. If I ever meet someone, if I ever go to distant countries, if I ever do great things, that's wonderful, but only if it's according to the will of God. Otherwise it will turn out badly. But I can always trust God with my future, He knows exactly what I need and if I ask Him He'll make sure I get it. If I want something, I shouldn't pray Lord, please give it to me, I should pray Lord, if it is your will, please give it to me. I've prayed for things that I wanted before, and I got them, but then they didn't turn out very well... God knows everything. He knows what's good for us and what isn't, so let's trust His judgment and ask Him for His wisdom to help us make the right decisions.

Ephesians 5:15-17

6 October
We had youth group today and it was about spending time with God. There are three things that are important: being still and just knowing He is God, praying and reading the Bible. I haven't been doing much of any of these things lately... I want that to change. You want to know something sad? I just found an old booklet of mine into which I used to write stuff, including prayers and things about my character and the things I struggled with, and I realize I haven't changed all that much... I still don't like being criticized, I still have a bad temper sometimes, I still don't like being told what to do, I'm still lazy, I'm still proud, I'm still impatient, I'm still very forgetful, I'm still shy, I still have trouble letting God control my life, I still get confused and overwhelmed when it comes to guys, etc., etc. I might not struggle quite as much with these things as I used to, but I still do. Lord, I want to grow in my faith, not go around in circles! I want to get another booklet like that one and whenever I have some extra time, like when I'm in the train or while I'm eating supper or something, and I'll just write down all my troubles in letter-format to God. I don't think He minds whether we write to Him or whether we talk to Him, just as long as we communicate in some way. I also want to spend more time reading the Bible. Tomorrow I should be able to read for a couple of hours. I'll let you know how it goes. Being still and knowing He is God is something I try to do sometimes, but my thoughts keep drifting to other things. Maybe I should try this in the morning, right after I've had at least one cup of coffee. Being still also includes listening to God's voice, something I still have some trouble with, but I'm slowly learning. God is more important than anything else. Doesn't it make sense that we should spend time with Him?

Romans 12:2

7 October
Well, I started writing in my little prayer booklet and so far I've filled over thirteen pages... Sometimes writing is easier than talking. This morning (yes, while I was drinking coffee) I was still and tried to listen to God's voice. That was good. He gave me peace about some things that have been occupying my thoughts for a while, and let me become still. I also read my Bible for a while, though not quite as long as I had wanted to. It's hard to explain, but I feel more peaceful now than I did before. Before I was constantly thinking about tons of different things. Laying them before my Lord let me let go of them. Peace is truly a wonderful thing. Peace in a way includes different things like patience, being content, and things being the way they should be. Tonight I went to the movies with a friend and saw World Trade Center, a movie about 9/11. It's a very touching movie, and what I liked most about it was that it didn't focus on the evil things, but on the good things. Lot's of people risked or even lost their own lives trying to save others. The Bible says that this is the greatest kind of love that exists, when you give your life for someone else. The funny thing about this kind of love, though, is that you can only see it when it is put to the test. When a catastrophe like that happens you can see what a person is really made of. I don't know if I would measure up. I hope I would.

Galatians 5

8 October
Today was very special. We ate lunch at church and everyone from our youth group sat at the same table. We haven't acted that childish in a long time... (It was great... :-)) We spent the afternoon together, too, then someone noticed that my shoes didn't look exactly new... They look like All Star knockoffs, are black and white, and very special to me because I got them when we went to Vienna with our music class. They have holes in them though, and one of the soles is falling off. So someone had the idea that they could start a collection to get me a new pair of shoes... I protested, which got them even more fired up about the idea and they got quite a bit of money together... If you think about it, it was really very sweet of them! But oh, how humiliated I felt... And I don't even know exactly why! Part of it might be because I don't like being the center of attention, but the bigger part is that I have trouble accepting donations... But I don't know why! I even have trouble when my parents give me money, and they are very generous... Could it be because it hurts my pride? My mom suggested several times that I put something on this site incase someone would like to help sponsor my descipleship training school, but I can't! Just thinking about asking for donations hurts... Maybe I'm just too proud... When they gave me the money for my shoes, it wasn't the fact that they thought my shoes were shabby that hurt, I don't really care much about what people think of my clothes, but accepting that money hurt my pride... Please don't understand me wrong, I love all the people of my youth group and I can't describe how much I appreciate that they care. Lord, take away my pride!! Make me completely humble!! Lord, I don't mind giving donations, please teach me to accept them as well, with a grateful heart. Forgive me for my pride and teach me to let go of it. Thank You for the wonderful friendship You let me experience within my youth group. I am truly blessed. Thank You for showing me that today.

Psalm 119:81-82a

(P.S. If someone from my youth group is reading this, thank you! I'll make sure the shoes are white so all of you can sign them. Then I'll have souvenirs of you guys to show everyone in Hawaii... :-))

9 October
Today I realized how very blessed I am... I get along with my parents very well, I'm in a great youth group, though work isn't always enjoyable the people I work with are all really great people, (it's very special to me that I get along with just about everyone there,) I live in a country that doesn't persecute Christians, I never have to worry about not having enough food, (though sometimes I have trouble because I have too much food...), I have lot's of clothes, books, jewelry, movies, stuffed animals, CDs, etc., etc., I have a car I'm allowed to drive, I have my own computer, I have a cell phone, I'm in a great church, I'm generally happy with the way I look, I don't have problems with my vision or hearing, I don't have any health problems, I've never had to go to the hospital before, I got through school without too much trouble, if everything goes by plan I'm going to Hawaii in January, ... I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Isn't it amazing how God has blessed me in so many ways? And on top of all of this, God gave His only Son's life for me so that I could gain eternal life. Wow! I feel loved!! Next time I'm tired, my feet hurt, I have a headache, my cell phone isn't working right, it's raining, I burn myself, something happens that makes me want to start complaining, I'm just going to remember how good I actually have it, then I should feel ashamed for wanting to complain.

Philippians 2:14-15a

10 October
Today I learned two things. One is that I underestimated all the work my mother has to do when we have guests, the other is that serving people can be quite a nice thing... :-) We had house group tonight and we all ate supper together. My mom is in Israel at the feast of tabernacles at the moment (enjoying the hot weather...), so I took over the role of women of the house today. It was quite a bit of work (I hadn't cleaned much since my mother left...), but the strange thing is that I never felt like complaining. I just did what I had to do and tried to do a good job. I didn't even mind doing the dishes! (I generally don't like doing the dishes much, unless it's together with someone else... ;-)) Maybe it's because I was thinking of the people who were coming, I wanted them to feel welcome. Or maybe I was trying to live up to my mother's standard. I don't know. Anyway, I realized that with this attitude of not minding having to work, it went much easier. When I have to do something and I'm in a bad mood it seems to take ten times longer... We're supposed to serve one another. That's important, but I think the attitude in which we serve each other is also important. If we do it out of a sense of duty or because we think we have to, it's pure agony. But if we do it because we care about them, because we want them to feel well, or because we want to please God, then that's the right attitude. We should serve others with a pure heart. It's nicer for us that way, too...

Colossians 3:1-17

11 October
I've been letting some things become too important to me again... I spend more time thinking about some things than I do talking to God. I want that to change. And I don't just want that to change for today and tomorrow, I want it to be like that my whole life long. God is more important to me than anything else, but oh, how easy it is to get distracted! How easy it is to let other things slide into God's place. How easy it is to find excuses for spending time with God. How easy it is to care more about other things than God. Lord, please take control over my life. Reveal yourself to me so that I'll never forget to spend time with You. If I don't have You, nothing matters. It doesn't make any difference what I do, my life only has a purpose if You're in it. Only You are everlasting. Lord, I want to concentrate wholly on You. Please help me to let go of the things I let get in the way. There are some things I don't want to let go of, that are precious to me, I need Your help to let go of them. Give me wisdom and strength so that I will be able to know and obey Your will. Thank You for your wonderful mercy. Without it I could never stand before You.

1. Corinthians 15:58

12 October
Today I was restless... I couldn't seem to get anything done. I checked my e-mail a few dozen times, changed my clothes even more often, ...and that's about it. A lot of things have been occupying my thoughts lately and they haven't been letting me come to peace. I prayed, but I didn't feel any better. Then I stood up, went into the living room and put on a Stevie Wonder CD. Stevie Wonder's music isn't soft and relaxing, it's the kind that makes you want to bounce around, so I bounced around.... Every corner of our appartment has now been danced in, as well as on top of every bed, on every sofa and in front of every mirror... It feels really good to just act like a fool every now and then, (of course only when no one else is around to see...) I think God gave me the idea. I needed to do something, I was driving myself crazy just doing nothing, and at least this way I didn't do anything stupid... Ok, if you had seen my dancing maybe you wouldn't agree, so let's just say I didn't do anything that would have bad consequences later (other than that I'm really tired now...) Before, when I wasn't doing anything, just waiting around for...I don't even know exactly what I was waiting for...I started to feel rotten inside in a way, like something wasn't good. I started to sing two songs: Purify my heart and Create in me a clean heart. I love these two songs. Besides the fact that they sound beautiful, they also say exactly what I want to say whenever I annoy or even disgust myself with my behavior. I want to serve the Lord with all my heart, but I can't with an unclean heart. Waiting around also isn't going to get anything done; doing something, anything, even something as silly as dancing, is better. Dancing might not have helped me to evangelize, but it helped me get rid of my restless energy and set me free in a way, (seeing myself dance was very humbling...), and it also helped me to let go of all the things occupying my thoughts. God does everything for a reason, I think He knew exactly what I needed when He nudged me in the direction of the CD player...

Proverbs 18:12

13 October
I spent the evening with a special friend of mine and we went to the movies to see Step Up. It's a romance about a rich girl studying dancing and a guy from the ghetto (similar to Save The Last Dance...) One thing that struck me was that he didn't have any dreams, any hopes, nothing he wanted to accomplish. He figured he wouldn't get anything he wanted anyway, so he didn't let himself hope for anything. At first I thought this was kind of sad, then I realized I'm not much different... Right now my future is YWAM, but after that...I don't know. Sometimes I think I don't have any talents, that I'm not really very good at anything. But good dancers aren't born as good dancers, they become good by practising. If I practised singing regularly, maybe I could accomplish something with my voice. But not if I never practise. God gives us talents, but if we don't train to become better at them, then we might as well not have them. It's funny, I always say I want to find out what God wants me to do with my life, but I don't actually spend all that much time asking... Maybe it's because I doubt myself, maybe I think I'll never accomplish anything great anyway, so I set my sights too low. I don't allow myself to hope. Hope is a funny thing. If you hope for something, but don't let yourself hope for it completely, it's complete agony (like when you're in love...) Hope is only something truly wonderful when you hope with all your heart. So, I want to become a singer. Maybe I'll never become a professional singer, but I have a goal that I'm working towards which is a great deal better than sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I'm going to pray about it though, and if God wants me to do something else He'll let me know.

Psalm 119:59-60

14 October
Today was almost perfect... :-) I got up relatively early (for me), had a long bubble bath (my dad knocked on the door and asked me if I was sleeping...), then I went to church to do the Cafeteria (that means doing things like cleaning the coffee machine and refilling different things), then I went shopping, then I made chocolate chip cookie dough, then I went to an art exibit with my dad which was absolutely wonderful (they had food... :-)), then I came home, made the cookies (l love to bake), then I went to church and we went to play billiard (I don't remember ever playing so badly, but it was fun anyway... :-)), and I brought the shoes along that they sponsored me and had them signed (still missing a few signatures though), then we went to a restaurant for a drink, then I brought a friend of mine home and we had a long talk in the car, and her brother came along too, then I went home and now I'm sitting at my desk writing this. What am I trying to say... I feel unbelievably blessed and wonderfully happy. Today was very busy, but in a good way. I didn't have to do anything I don't like doing and I never had a boring moment. It's really easy to just live one day at a time and ignore all the nice things that happen, but when you do notice they seem even more special. I think that if you ignore all the nice things, life can seem really dark and lonely. There's a song I like from White Christmas, it goes like this: When you're worried and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep, and you'll fall asleep counting your blessings... I still have tons of things on my mind, things I'm worried about, things I could have done better even today, but maybe it would be better to concentrate on all the good things, like today, instead of the things that aren't perfect and will never be perfect. I hope I'm making some sense, I'm very tired. But it's a good kind of tired... :-)

Psalm 107:8-9

15 October
Lately I've always been relatively careful about what I write here, always thinking about what certain people I know who come and read these texts regularly might think, always being careful of not saying too much or the wrong thing, but I don't want to worry about that anymore. I want to just write about what's on my heart right now. I've been having guy troubles, mostly in my head... With that I don't mean imagining guys being interested in me, though that too, but... It's not so easy to put into words... I can hardly spend time with a guy, if he's single, without thinking farther... Do you know what I mean? It's almost impossible for me to just have a normal friend who happens to be a guy. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up with any brothers and didn't have any male friends when I was little. The annoying thing is that I don't know how to change... I want to, but I don't know how... It's not like that with all guys, but with most... I thought I was in love with someone for a little while, but today I realized I'm not. I'm not sure I even know what it means to be in love. I just know that it would be really nice to have a boyfriend...which shows me that I'm nowhere close to being mature enough for that kind of relationship... I've talked to my dad a few times lately, and he thinks that I should just wait for the time being. Wait until I've done the descipleship training school, have a decent job and have enjoyed being single for a while. My dad is very wise, but the advise he gives isn't usually what I want to hear. When I thought I was in love with someone he told me I should wait. When I was dating an unbeliever he told me that it's not good for me to date an unbeliever. He was right, but that wasn't what I had wanted to hear at all... Doing the right thing is usually harder than doing what we want. I'm going to follow my father's advice now, and not do any dating before I go to Hawaii. I delayed this decision until now because I was always hoping someone might show more interest in me... I'm still such a child... I feel like such an idiot writing all this, but I want to get it out of my system, otherwise, if I keep hiding it inside, it will never change. Things we're ashamed of that we try not to show to others, these are usually things that don't change by themselves. This is one of the major things blocking my relationship with God. It uses up so much of my time and occupies most of my thoughts, so much that I neglect spending time with God. I can't follow the Lord with all my heart if half of it is dreaming of something else. Beloved Father, teach me and guide me. Cleanse my heart from all my silly desires and dreams. Please fill it instead with Your love and grace. Thank You. Amen.

Psalm 108:1-2

16 October
You know how I felt this morning when I thought about my decision yesterday to wait with dating? Relieved and free!! I was actually surprised, I thought I'd feel unhappy, but it's just the opposite... God really does know what's best for me, and even though I don't always want to hear what He has to say, if I do listen and try to obey, it always turns out well. I started reading one of my Christian romance novels which was perhaps not the smartest thing, but I needed to read something that would capture me, something that makes me not want to stop reading. I used to read all the time, now I don't anymore. I want to, but somehow I can't find books that capture my attention. Real life stories about Christians may have very good things written in them, but they're not necessarily interesting to read... So, I want to let my sentimental book get me excited about reading again, then afterwards maybe I'll be able to stick with one with a little more depth. We'll see. I realized today that I need to watch my eating habits... Working at McDonald's does have some down-sides... (Especially if you like the food a lot...) Tomorrow I'm going to leave my money at home so that I wont be able to buy anything. I should be saving my money anyway. My eating habits were quite good for a while, but now they're starting to become like they were before I lost weight. Since summer 05 I lost eight kilos, though if you calculate from when I weighed the most it's actually ten kilos... My cousin was a huge help to me. Her self-control when she ate and all the time she spent in the gym inspired me to try harder. I had been trying to lose weight for a long time (without any success) and I'm very grateful to her and to God for helping me to control my appetite. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to look into the mirror and actually like what you see... I'm sure some people think that losing weight just to look better is bad, but I don't agree. I don't believe there is anything wrong with wanting to look nice. It's only wrong if it loses proportion and becomes too important, if it produces vanity and pride. If it were wrong, everyone who wears make-up would be sinning. I'm sorry if I sound defensive, but some people's responses to my weight loss were a bit hurtful (not intentionally though). Anyway, I'm going to start watching what I eat again, and also start exercising more again. I want to have some energy when I go to Hawaii after all... ;-) I also practised singing again today. It was wonderful, though to be honest I don't feel very comfortable knowing that my parents can hear me very well from the next room... Oh well. I'll need to get used to people hearing me sing eventually anyway. I still don't know whether God wants me to become a singer, but becoming better at singing definitely can't hurt... :-)

Romans 7:24-25a

17 October
The Alpha course was canceled today. My mom sent me an SMS when I was at work. I was furious... I was angry with the three people who changed their minds, and I was especially mad at the Alpha team because I thought that it showed that they didn't really care. (In case you're wondering why this upset me, me and a friend of mine both signed up for the course.) Then I talked to my dad. (He's one of the team leaders.) I'm ashamed for having accused the Alpha team. My dad was a great deal more disappointed than even I was... One of the first things he said was this is a disaster... I'm also ashamed for being angry with the people who signed themselves off; one of them had an accident at home, the other two would have been coming with that person, so now that that person can't come they decided not to come either. I need to learn not to jump to conclusions... I'm sorry that I judged them. I'm in no position to judge anyone. My dad then made some phone calls and it was decided that they wouldn't cancel the course, just postpone for two weeks until the first of November. I hope (and pray) that nothing else like that will happen so that we wont have to cancel the course for good. I believe everything happens for a reason, so maybe God has some plans for this course. Maybe someone who hasn't signed up yet is supposed to come, or maybe something completely different... On my way home from work I thought about my friend that I invited. I want him to get to know what Christianity is all about, then he can still decide for or against it, but I don't know how to explain it to him... I once tried and I couldn't find the words... This is one reason why I want him to come to the Alpha course. I was trying to think of ways of sharing my faith, then I remembered that he bought himself a Bible (which he is reading as far as I know) and I realized that I don't really need to worry about finding the right words, because the right words are all right there in the Bible! Three guys from my youth group meet regularly to read the Bible together and I think it's helped them to understand it better, (the Bible can be quite complicated,) and I wondered if I couldn't do something like that, too... I still have to pray and think about it some more, but the idea has me excited... I'm a little nervous though since I'm not sure if this isn't way over my head... We'll see.

Romans 11:33-34a

18 October
Do you ever have so many things on your mind that you feel you can't handle them anymore? I feel like that right now... There are so many things that I need to do, so many things I should do, and so many things I want to do, so many dreams, wishes and desires that wont let me go. (I also have my period right now which tends to make me more emotional, and it certainly isn't helping...) Sometimes I wish I could just go hibernate over the winter like a bear, just crawl into a hole and forget everything for a while... (I'm not used to being a busy person.) Lord, please sort through the mess in my head for me and help me to deal with all of the things that need to be dealt with. Please give me peace, but help me to do all the things I should do, and help me to do them well, not half-heartedly. I need You. I'm completely helpless without You. Please help me! Lord, I do want to do more, I want to serve You in new ways and have the courage to maybe risk something for Your sake, but I need Your help. I'm so afraid of failure, of disappointment. I'm afraid of organizing a little bible study, I'm afraid of sharing my faith, the idea of becoming a singer frightens me, I'm afraid to let myself fall in love, I'm afraid of trying new things because I think they'll fail, I think they'll fall apart and I'll be hurt and/or humiliated. Help me! I want to serve You, to become a tool You can use. Help me to overcome my fear, my timidness, my shyness and my pride. Use me, Lord.

Galatians 1:10

19 October
I didn't write that very well yesterday... All those things that I'm afraid of doing are things I really want to do. They're just things that take courage, courage I don't necessarily have, which is why I need God's help. I've heard a couple of times from different people that they think there's more to me than I show, that there would be potential for me to do more than I am doing. I'm not writing this to show off in some strange way, just the opposite. It makes me want to snort with laughter (yes, I know that's not very lady-like), the thought that I could actually make a difference. Me, the shy little thing who shies away from taking over responsibility, who doesn't like being the center of attention, who won't even organize birthday parties... But what if God really does have big plans for me? What if He does want me take over responsibility for things? What if He does want me to stand up and be noticed? What if He does want me to be courageous and try something new? If He does, it's only because of His grace, because on my own I'm not good enough. I think that maybe He really does want that... If you read in the Bible about all the people who accomplished great things for God, you'll never read anything about them being shy or timid, unless it was before they started doing these great things. They were bold for the sake of God. I want to be bold, even though at times I would much rather just hide somewhere and forget that God has lot's of plans for me. In my cozy little life I sometimes forget that millions of people have never heard the name of Christ before. I forget that thousand of Christians are being persecuted for their faith all around the world. I forget that lot's of my own friends are not saved. I want to lay off my doubts, my fears, my insecurities, my childishness, and live the full life that God has planned for me.

Ephesians 3:19

20 October
As you probably know by now, I work at McDonald's. I've mentioned before that I think that it's God's will that I'm working there, and I really do learn a great deal there. I learn about patience when our customers are slow to decide what they want, I learn to not let little things get me upset, like when people don't throw away their own garbage or make a mess, I learn to be friendly, even when it seems like every second customer asks about the code for the bathroom, I learn to say no when some bored macho feels he has to flirt with me, I learn to not get annoyed, for instance when I'm mopping and people walk right over the clean floor making it look worse than it did before, I learn a great deal about love (no, not the mushy romantic kind...), especially when it comes to my co-workers. I'm really blessed with the wonderful people that I work with. If it weren't for them, work would be unbearable. They taught me not to be prejudiced. Some people I didn't like too much at the beginning, but I did my best to get along with them anyway, and now I almost like them more than the others. One of the men I work with seems to be in a bad mood a lot lately, and though it does hurt a little sometimes when he tells me off for something, at the same time I feel sorry for him and wonder if maybe he has lot's of things on his mind. One woman I wasn't so sure I liked at first turned out to be such a darling! Always ready to help when you ask. (The same description would actually fit several other women as well...) Some guys are always making jokes or teasing you, which can actually make work fun sometimes... I can't describe it any better, but these people are all really special and I feel so blessed that God let me get this job. A friend of mine told me about some of her first work experiences (e.g. a boss that complained 24/7, collegues that were jealous, ...), and they showed me that I shouldn't take it for granted... Now, I just need to get my courage up and start sharing my faith with them. I want to since I care about them, but I'm scared... But what exactly am I scared of? Of being humiliated? Of being rejected? Maybe instead of worrying about myself I should be scared that these people might never even get the chance to get to know God if I don't speak up...

Matthew 6:32b-33

21 October
Man, am I tired... I worked late on Friday, and today I was supposed to have the day off, but someone who was supposed to work is sick and they called and asked me if I could jump in. At first when they called I really, really didn't want to, but then I realized that I do not have a whole lot of hours at the moment, and I want to earn as much money as I can for my descipleship training school, so I said yes. I worked for five hours and towards the end I had trouble hiding my yawns... Then in the evening a friend of mine had a going away party, she's leaving for Kalifornia on Monday, and now I'm really, really tired, but it was so nice, I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I'm going to miss her a lot... So, today was very busy, but actually everything that made it busy was a blessing, so it was a really good day. Thank You Lord.

Ephesians 5:8-9

22 October
Alright, I've been blabbing on about daydreaming and stuff like that for several weeks now, but I've never actually said what it was really about. I'm probably gonna make a fool of myself, but I don't care. This is driving me absolutely crazy... I am well on my way to falling in love with someone. I'm a complete idiot to be writing this here for several reasons, but I don't care, I don't care! I can't handle it, it's driving me crazy! People say falling in love is a wonderful thing, but that's a dirty lie! It's only wonderful if you're loved in return. It's awful when not and even worse if you don't know. I don't know, and that's agony, but I don't want to know. I'm terrified at the thought that he might find out and at the same time I want him to know... If it's so stupid for me to be writing this here, than why am I writing this here... I want to concentrate on God, I want to pray and get to know Him better, but my head is so full of this problem that I can't concentrate on God, even though I want to so badly! And I don't know what to do about it! I want to become a nun, move to New Zealand, anything that will somehow get this off my mind! I wish I could somehow install an on/off switch to my thoughts... Lord, I cannot handle this, I don't know what to do, I feel like such an idiot, please, please help me!! I can't make myself change, You've got to help me! I really don't know what to do other than to ask for Your help! Please hear me and tell me what to do! Then give me wisdom (because I don't have any) so that I can understand what You're telling me. Even if it's not what I want to hear at all, please make me understand! Then help me to do what You want me to, even if it's not what I want... Please help me... (By the way, if you're someone I know, please don't talk to me about this, at least not when other people are around...thank you.)

Psalm 86

23 October
I met my friend this evening to read the Bible together. He had so many questions, we didn't actually get a whole lot of reading done. (That's good though! It shows that he's spent a lot of time reading on his own...) I realized that though I tend to underestimate myself a lot, I also sometimes overestimate my abilities. I thought I had a pretty thorough knowledge of the Bible... My friend doesn't know very much about our faith yet, and he really had a great many questions, all of them very good ones, and I couldn't even answer half of them... Some of them were even very basic ones, about heaven, about Jesus dying on the cross, and I didn't have any answers! I'm very glad he's doing the Alphacourse because the leaders there are much wiser than I am and know a great deal more than I do, and I'm glad I'm doing the course, too, because I still have a whole lot to learn as well. In the meantime I want to really start reading my Bible, not just a chapter now and then. The Bible is like a letter written to us from God, the whole foundation of our faith is written in that book, aren't I stupid for not really studying it? I've set a goal for myself. I once started reading the Bible, from the front to the back, (quite a long time ago...), and now I'm almost finished with the Old Testament, and I want to finish the New Testament before the end of the year. Maybe having a goal will make me more motivated to read. And I don't want to just read in the evening before going to bed, I'm usually much too tired and end up having to read everything three times to understand anything (though most of the time I don't even bother), and falling asleep with my head on the Bible isn't going to help me understand it better either...

2. Corinthians 13:5

24 October
I started thinking about what I should do after YWAM... I want to learn some kind of profession because some day I would like to be able to support myself, but there seem to be so many and yet so few choices... I thought about going to university, but what would I study? Music? Naah...too much stuff I am simply not interested in. English Literature? (I would be able to read a lot of books from authors I really like, like Jane Austen or Charles Dickens.) Maybe, but what kind of a job has a Master of Arts in English Languages and Literatures as a requirement? Other than becoming a professor and teaching English Literature myself, I don't know of any... Theology? I don't want to become a pastor... In house group tonight my dad talked about Galatians 5:19-23 and looked at the more detailed original Greek text. Verses 19-21 talk about all the "fruit" of a sinful life, such as "hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, ...," but one thing that's mentioned in the Greek version, but not in the German or English translations, is indicisiveness, the inability to make decisions. After nineteen years I still don't know what I want to do with my life... Isn't it sad? A little while ago I decided I wanted to become a singer, but...well... Singing is something I like to do as a hobby in my free time. I don't look at it as a job or something I take very seriously. If I sing I want to sing to glorify God, not to earn money... I can't realistically imagine myself doing this for a living. I also decided I want to do something useful, and though I hate to admit it, singing isn't terribly useful... I've thought about becoming a writer, so maybe studying English Literature might help, but I doubt I could live off of it. I could imagine myself writing, but only in my free time. I doubt very much that I could earn enough to live without dependancy on my parents or the social office. So...what else could I do? Maybe I lack imagination... I have lot's of ideas of what I could do after I return from Hawaii, but no clue when it comes to a job. Maybe I should spend some real time praying about my future, instead of always just talking about praying. I need to start working on actually doing the things I say I'm going to do on this webpage anyway...

Galatians 5:25

25 October
I just spent several hours trying out different ways of "remodeling" my website, and ended up keeping it pretty much the way it was before because I didn't really like any of the results... Ah well. Things don't always turn out the way you want them to. As you probably know by now, I'm working at McDonald's, and the reason I'm working there is because I want to earn as much as possible to pay for my Descipleship Training School in Hawaii in January. I was starting to get worried because in the last few weeks I've been working fewer hours per week than I would like, but guess what's happened a couple of times in the last week... Once I was asked whether I could work a few hours longer, then they called and asked whether I could work on one day that I would have had off, then on another day that I would have had off, then today again whether I could work a few hours longer, and I was asked if I could work tomorrow over lunch time! And today someone told me that in November I would probably have more hours again! Yay!! Don't get me wrong, I'm not a work-a-holic, I don't really like working all that much, but I don't want my parents to have to take over the whale part of the expenses for my "trip" to Hawaii... I believe this is God's doing. It says somewhere in the Bible (can't remember exactly where) that God knows about all the desires of our hearts. I didn't actually pray for more hours, but God knew that that was what I wanted. Thank You Father!

Psalm 37:4-5

26 October
This morning I took the time to pray. I haven't done that in quite a long time... I suddenly just wondered if I hadn't somehow forgotten how to pray, so I just sat down and told God all that was in my heart. I had put that off for way too long. I don't know if it really matters whether you pray out loud or just in your thoughts, but it works better for me when I say it out loud. Maybe it helps me to concentrate better. Otherwise I start thinking about other things. I want to take the time every day, if I can every morning when I can still think pretty clearly, not in the evening when it's hard for me to think straight (like right now...) I think we tend to think that talking to God is a waste of time because we don't get any answers. I don't believe that's true. We don't usually get a vocal answer, like a booming voice from the sky telling us what to do, but very often He gives us visions or thoughts, and also our conscience can give us pretty clear orders, it's just that we don't usually like to listen to it...

1. Corinthians 9:24

27 October
I'm really, really tired... I worked for eight hours today (Yay! More hours! :-)), not including breaks, and though this may not seem like all that long to you, standing on your feet for eight hours, enduring the slow customers, trying to communicate with the Italian speeking ones, and the French speaking ones, trying not to yell at the ones who keep changing their minds, etc., etc., ... Yeah, I was close to losing my temper a few times at work today. There's one guy I work with who usually works in the kitchen. He was working tonight, too, and for a while he was alone in the kitchen, which according to Murphy's Law means that of course we had lot's of customers then... He was under a lot of stress and I was also a bit impatient a few times (I was at the cash register) when something I ordered didn't come as fast as I thought it should have, until someone asked him whether he was alright being alone in the kitchen. Then I felt ashamed for being annoyed. But you want to know something that really impressed me? A little bit later when there weren't so many people, I asked him how he was doing, and he complained that it was too hot in the kitchen! He had just been under a whole lot of stress, trying to do several things at the same time, had had people (me) practically yelling at him, and all he complained about was the heat! He's really an amazing guy. I also remember one time when the restaurant manager complimented him. He compared him to another collegue who had started at the same time as him, but wasn't as good yet. He didn't like being told that, not because he didn't want to hear that he was doing a good job, but because he didn't like to hear his collegue being put down! I have also never, ever heard him gossip or say anything bad about anyone. I want to be more like that...

Proverbs 17:27

28 October
Have you ever thought about the fact that God chose you? He chose you to be his beloved child. Of course you can refuse if you want to, but He loved you right from the beginning, He loved you even before you were born. Even before you were conceived He was looking forward to you being born. He made you exactly the way you are, every last hair, every last fleck of gold in your eyes, every fingernail, all of it came straight from His imagination. You're His work of art, His masterpiece. He loves you so much that He even has a plan for your life. He gave you your talents, your abilities, and He wants you to use them for Him, because then you'll be living the most fulfilling life possible. He knows every last detail about you, all the things you love doing, all the things you hate, every little character flaw, every little worry, every happy moment, everything. He loves you, exactly as you are, so much that He chose you. He wants you to be His child, He wants you to go to Him with every little hurt, to share every happy thought with Him, to let Him take care of you when you can't take care of yourself, to let Him handle your worries, He wants you to let Him be in control of your life, because He knows, even better than you do, what's best for you. He understands you completely, He knows about all your feelings and emotions, and He cares. Can you imagine?? The God of heaven and earth, who created everything, who's in control of everything, cares about your feelings!! I think that sometimes we take this for granted... I want to love Him back with the same consistency, with the same pure heart, with all my heart. I want Him to have complete freedom to tell me whatever He wants to, in every part of my life, and all the time.

Psalm 139

29 October
Turning molehills into mountains
Making big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how it's been.
Fear of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
'fraid I'll try real hard and I'll fail
This is how it's been.
Till the day you pounded on my heart's door
And you shouted joyfully
"You're not a slave anymore!"

My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity
and changed the course of history
Because You loved me so.
And my heart cannot understand
Why You'd accept me as I am
But You say You've always had a plan
And that's all I need to know.
So when I am consumed by what the world will say
It's then You're singing to me
As you remove my chains

You're free to dance
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to me
and you're free to love
Cause I've given you My love
and it's made you free
I've given you My love
and it's made you free
I've set you free

Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile

- Lyrics from Free by Ginny Owens

Galatians 5:22-23a

30 October
I just made a list of things I want to get done tomorrow, including things like cleaning my room up, what I'm going to eat, doing sit-ups, etc., and at the end I wrote don't lose my temper... I realized today that I do not have a whole lot of self-control, and the peace, kindness and gentleness that are talked about in Galatians 5:22-23a haven't been showing a great deal of fruit in me either... Did you know that currysauce is hard to mop away? Especially when it's partly dried in... It's also not so nice when someone forgets to put in a new bag after emptying the garbage, because then you have to take everything out by hand... And having hamburgers on sale for 1.- during rush-hour is not the nicest thing...especially when you've got three people at your cash-register waiting for five hamburgers each, but the most that can be made at a time is eight...and you've got a dozen people waiting in line behind them...and all the other people working at the cash-registers have at least two people waiting for hamburgers too... Today was a long day... Being told off for not throwing away the food that had gone off wasn't too nice either, and then of course there's always the customers... The ones who don't know what they want, the ones who don't smile back, the ones who are rude, the ones who keep changing their minds, ... I got mad quite a few times today. But you know, there's actually no use in getting mad... Losing my temper doesn't get the coke on the stairs mopped up, it doesn't give me wonderfully nice customers, and the only person it really makes a difference to is myself, and that difference isn't a positive one... I don't want to keep getting angry, even if I would have good reasons to. I'd rather have peace, kindness and gentleness. I can't change the way I am though, not on my own anyway, only God can change a person's heart.

Romans 8:1-17

31 October
I was going to write something here a little while ago, but my thoughts were so muddled I couldn't figure out what to write, so I sat down on my sofa and asked God what He wanted to show me today. He showed me how much He loves me... Have you ever thought about what unconditional love really means? One reason I struggle with my weight is because when I used to go to school I learned in a not too friendly manner that I was fat and ugly. I believed it of course. Those were very lonely years. Being rejected, for any reason, is painful. Even now sometimes I feel like some people are nicer to me on my "good" days, though mostly it's just my imagination. So, for almost as long as I can remember I've been trying to become the opposite of what I was told I was. I "learned" that unless I was "nice-looking", people would not accept me. You probably think that's not true, but are you really so sure? People have a nasty tendency to judge things by the way they look, we believe in first impressions. But what is unconditional love? One example for it is that God has loved me all my life, when I was little and cute, when I thought I was fat and ugly and disdained by everyone, and now... God loves me no matter what I look like. His love doesn't have any conditions, it's not linked to any accomplishments. God does have things He wants me to do, to accomplish, but no matter how succesful I am, even if I fail completely, He will still love me. He always has. He loves me even when other people reject me. When I realized that today I cried... It's amazing, and almost frightening, how other people, unknowingly, can shape who we become... I'm not quite sure whether this is a good or bad thing, but I have a tendency to be very honest. Maybe too honest sometimes. I don't know exactly why I'm like this, maybe it's because I don't like not knowing what other people are thinking and feeling. I sometimes wish everyone would be completely honest, I think it would clear up so many uncertainties and probably bring people closer together. Or maybe some thoughts and feelings would scare everyone half to death... I don't know. Anyway, if any of my thoughts here scared you for some reason I'm sorry, but I'm not likely to change any time soon...

Psalm 27:10-11a

Top of Page ↑